MEGAN KIDBY
Supreme Ruler of the Editorial Board
It is with great pleasure (for me) and mild concern (for everyone else) that I announce my ascension to the role of Editor-in-Chief.
Yes, you read that correctly.
After years of being confined to the dark, joke-filled corner of The Leader as the Scallion Editor — where my pleas for more space, funding and the right to publish a 12-page investigative piece on squirrels running an underground crime syndicate were ignored — I have finally seized control.
This is a new era. A glorious era. An era where every article will now contain a mandatory minimum of three punchlines and any attempt at serious journalism will be met with a strongly worded memo written entirely in Comic Sans.
Many have asked how I pulled off this coup — er, I mean, “completely normal and democratic leadership transition.”
The answer is simple: I used the skills I honed as a satire writer. I convinced the previous Editor-in-Chief, Abbie Miller, that running a newspaper was so 2007 and that she’d have a much more fulfilling life growing organic kombucha in a remote forest. The other editors? Bribed with the irresistible promise of unlimited office snacks and the removal of all deadlines.
Under my fearless and entirely unhinged leadership, you can expect some bold editorial changes:
- The Front Page Will Now Be a Single Giant Headline — Just one dramatic, world-shattering headline per day. No article. No context. Just panic-inducing phrases like “IT’S HAPPENING” or “SOMETHING BIG IS COMING.” Clickbait? No. Art.
- Investigative Journalism Will Focus Solely on Conspiracy Theories I Find Funny — Was the moon landing faked by an overzealous film student? Is the government secretly powered by a league of sentient goldfish? We will uncover the truth (or at least something entertaining).
- Serious News Must Now Contain at Least One Absurd Fact — A hard-hitting exposé on political corruption? Sure, but it must include at least one paragraph about how pigeons are suspiciously good at pretending they don’t understand humans.
- Interviews Will Now Be Conducted Exclusively in the Form of Sarcastic Tweets — Unfortunately, I think this is how you contact the government now anyway, so it’s not like things are changing. If public figures can’t handle answering our deeply cynical, 280-character inquiries, they clearly aren’t fit for office (or the public eye at all).
- Sports Section Replaced with “Competitive Napping” Rankings — Let’s be honest, this is the kind of content people actually want.
To those who claim that a satire editor running a legitimate publication is a “dangerous precedent” and “a sign that society is spiraling,” I hear you. And to show that I value your feedback, I have prepared a highly professional response: lol, no.
We’ve spent too long pretending that news needs to be dry, objective and informative. My reign — sorry, tenure — as Editor-in-Chief will be one of entertainment, chaos and possibly a few lawsuits (but only the fun kind).
Welcome to the new age. You’re going to love it. Or at least you’ll laugh about it while everything burns.