ABIGAIL JACOBSON
Not News Editor anymore
Graphic made using canva.com.
An unfortunate but downright truthful statement from the news editor herself, me, Abigail Jacobson, gives word on the future of news:
It’s done, guys. News is cancelled. I can’t keep writing anymore. I can’t keep hearing the news and thinking, “My goodness, I need to write this.” No, Abby, you don’t. Give yourself a break.
Why is news cancelled? WELL, BECAUSE I SAID SO.
I am sick and tired of going into our next issue and thinking, “Ah, yes, barely any news. I can relax in my comfy bed with my new book that’s probably gonna make me cry.” I dream of lying in my bed, happy for once and thinking of taking a long, well-rested nap in my sanctuary, which is made up of two twin beds strapped together by a piece of rope.
Ah, the college experience. Crying because of the book I’m reading or something funny happening to me in a video game.
Jokes on me; neither the book nor the video game will make me cry. Instead, NEW THINGS WILL HAPPEN AND I’LL BE CRYING WHILE WRITING THEM.
I’m serious. Give me a break. I’m overworked, I’m underpaid (I’m not paid at all).
From Trump being the biggest piece of dog shit to minors being cut because we obviously have no idea what the fuck we are doing to the state of FredFest being cancelled — Why do y’all hate us? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS, AND THEN I HAVE TO WRITE IT AND HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE?
Of course, I don’t have to write anything. I could just lie in my bed and doomscroll till the end of time, sending funny TikToks to my boyfriend and playing R.E.P.O. for days straight. I could do that. I WANT TO DO THAT!
Instead, I spend my days writing for hours to provide content for your poor souls. I know you don’t want to hear it, but, believe me, I don’t even want to write it.
Which is why news is cancelled for the rest of the semester. Yeah, that’s right, I can do that and nobody can say anything about it. No one can stop me. And to be real, who’s going to do a better job than me?
There will be no more news on President Orange Peel or on the nine minors that were cut after SUNY Fredonia’s administration promised they wouldn’t be touched. No more news on water boils because it’s the same thing each time: Fredonia hates Dunkirk and hates spending money on fixing the water, instead focusing on removing FredFest. News flash: They want it hosted by SUNY Fredonia.
…Dammit. I guess even with all this news on the cancellation of news at The Leader, I still somewhat provide news to the audience.
You can try to take the news out of the news editor, but you’ll never be able to. It’s in my blood. It’s my true love.
But not anymore. Take it. SOMEONE TAKE IT, PLEASE. You’ll never do a better job than me, of course, but you can try.
But in all seriousness, I’m done. No more news. No more updated news on FredFest or the minors. No more police blotters. Nothing. News in The Leader will be empty. Good luck finding your information somewhere else because I will be in my bed, doom-scrolling to the end of time.