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[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What will your sign do after graduation?

ABIGAIL MILLER

Editor-in-Chief, Graduating Senior

As I near the end of my undergraduate career at SUNY Fredonia, I’m left looking back on the experiences here that have shaped me. 

Positive and negative, the events I’ve endured here have made an impact on the person I am today in ways that I will still be comprehending after I walk across that stage. 

Whether you’re in your final year or your first, the majority of you dear readers will experience graduation at some point in the future. Lucky for you, I’ve predicted exactly what your post-grad circumstances will entail so you can plan your celebration accordingly. 

Aries 

Move on

Fredonia has taught you a lot about what it means to push yourself and commit to your goals and reach outside of your comfort zone. That’s how you will be able to find success when you leave — using the skills you learned somewhere between move-in and commencement. You will find ways to hold on to the moments that molded your time here while also looking forward to the life outside of Fredonia that awaits you.

Taurus 

Be proud of yourself

As a humble individual, you don’t often admit when you’ve accomplished something truly special, even less so when that achievement involves your own hard work and dedication. Your graduation will show you the importance of congratulating yourself with the same fervor that you do others, as you finally see all of that time spent studying pay off. 

Gemini

Jump in one of the fountains in Barker Commons 

I would never advocate for unlawful behavior. But I’m also not in the habit of lying to my dear readers. Geminis, please remember that with the exception of the campus pool, no body of water within Fredonia is deep enough for you to go diving in.

Cancer

You will not be graduating 

I’m sorry if I’m the first person to tell you this, but you actually won’t be graduating at all. Yes, I mean at all. College isn’t for everyone, and if you’re a Cancer reading this right now, it’s not for you specifically. It would be untruthful for me to spare you from the fate that awaits you, so instead I’ll just kindly ask you to get a speech ready for when your family asks you what’s next. Because it won’t be Fredonia anymore. 

Leo

Block everyone you know 

It’s natural to have some falling-outs between educational institutions — how many of us keep in touch with every single friend that we had when we graduated high school? But you will take “letting go” to a whole new level. You cannot wait to leave Fredonia, and everyone within it, behind. 

Virgo

Find your inspiration

Whether it’s higher education or a career you’re in search of, your dreams will take you places even after you get that slip of paper. Your motivation is what has kept you a successful student throughout your time at Fredonia, and it’s what will ensure that that achievement follows you throughout your next journey.

Libra

Eat your heart out at Azteca

You, my friend, have taste. If you’re anything like me, you appreciate the deliciously inexpensive sanctuary that is El Azteca. Sandwiched between the Verizon store and Tops, you are intent on finishing your college career just as you started it: with the most mouth-watering, toe-curling Mexican food that those tastebuds can handle. 

Scorpio

Take a gap year

You’ve heard of gap years for higher education, but what about gap years between graduation and getting a job? Studying was your full-time gig while you were here, and after graduation, the burnout that’s been chasing you throughout these 4+ years will finally catch up with you. 

Sagittarius 

Go into either trade school or the military 

Most fresh high school graduates decide to embark on these journeys before they traverse through a four-year institution. But you’re not like most people. Why experience one path when you can try out them all? Whether it be carpentry or the air force, you will have the upper hand in experience and knowledge in comparison to the majority of your 18-year-old peers. 

Capricorn

Complain about Fredonia

I can’t say I blame you. I have dabbled in the art of holding grudges myself. But sometimes you need to let things go. And after four years of shared moldy showers and noise complaints that never amount to anything and running into the worst possible people at the worst possible time, you just won’t. “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened,” they say. You will do neither. 

Aquarius

Start your own business

You’re crafty and resourceful in ways that Fredonia was never truly able to harness or capitalize on. So instead of continuing to push your natural talents aside for the traditional job market, you’ll be paving your own path of entrepreneurship — even if that means having to use spell check every time you try to type the word. 

Pisces

Be in the bars

Why even attend graduation? You barely attended class! You’ll spend time lifting your drink when you could’ve been turning your tassel. It may push back your graduation a few years, but that’ll leave even more time for you to sip that whiskey sour and beat the newbies at darts. 

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