Ava-Claire Boring
Special to the Leader
Graphic by ELLIOT MORSE | Special to The Leader
Ocean Spray cranberry juice is notorious for having cran-babies with every fruit imaginable.
I’m sure if you’ve ever stepped foot in a grocery store, you’re familiar with this concept.
I decided to pool together eight cranberry juice flavors (almost $20 and two meal swipes later) to taste test and rank each one amongst my friends.
I will put them in a tier list, with “A” being the best, “B” being the middle and “C” being the worst.
My friends and I gave each juice a grade out of 10, and I averaged out each score to determine the best one.
First off: Cranston Marche cranberry juice. What is there to say? It’s not bad, but in comparison to every fun flavor of cranberry juice, it’s nothing special at all. 4/10, C-tier. This is where you belong.
Next, the only Ocean Spray cranberry juice offered on campus, Cran-Grape.
I hesitated to try this one because I really hate grape-flavored things — they never taste like grape!
To my surprise, I didn’t hate this one nearly as much as I thought I would.
You lose most of the cranberry, though, a theme that will be persistent throughout this study.
I’m gonna be honest, this one was mid. It’s only fitting to give it a 5/10 and in the C-tier, next to your grape-flavored, cough-syrup mother.
Next up is Cran-Pineapple. I only tried this and my friends didn’t, so this one is purely based on my opinion and nobody else’s.
If this were the only cranberry juice combination on the planet, I could still die happily.
I’d be fine with not knowing all of the cran-baby possibilities, because this one is perfect.
Who wants to mess with perfection? 9.5/10 because it would be wrong to say 10/10 so early on.
Just know I’m comparing every other cranberry juice to cran-pineapple, sorry. You have a padded cushion with free room service and all you can eat breakfast in Hotel A-Tier, queen.
Next is Cran-Tropical. This one was widely mid, to my shock.
I liked this one a lot, but when subjected to the experimental group (my friends), they ranked this amongst the lowest cranberry mutants.
The cran-to-trop-ratio was noted. It was “Hard to taste the cranberry,” which is valid. Part of the ranking was the ratio, and unfortunately, Cran-Tropical did not deliver.
Not the worst, but also not in the top three or even top five.
Sorry, cran-tropical, I think you deserved better. 6/10, placing you in B-tier with the “Cars” movie during the 2007 Oscars, since both of you were famously snubbed. (Can you believe “Happy Feet” won the Oscar against “Cars”?)
Following Cran-Tropical’s failure is Cran-Raspberry. Everybody loved cran-raspberry, and I’m going to have to agree.
It was the perfect mixture of tartness to sweetness, and the ratio is remarked with a very astute and enlightened direct quote from a member of the experimental group.
“Good.”
That’s really all there is to it! This was among my top three and was ranked very high on the list with a whopping 7.5/10, putting you in the A-Tier with an all-expenses paid trip to Miami.
Next off is Cran-Pomegranate, a flavor I had no idea even existed before I went to Walmart for this experiment.
I must say, you have to like pomegranate in order to like Cran-Pomegranate, as it has a very natural flavor.
This one was very close to Cran-Pineapple for me, and I think they’re sisters in my head.
The ratio was remarked as very balanced, and no flavor really took over.
Almost everybody I had try this had this in their number one spot, but how will it withstand next to Cran-Pineapple on judgment day? (A random Tuesday night at 9:45 p.m.)
I’d give this one an 8.5/10 and tuck you into a soft, warm bed in A-Tier.
Next is Cran-Mango. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I don’t think this, but it seems like everyone else did. There’s a very common theme of people hating the ones I love, but I swear I’m right about the Cran-Pineapple.
It was widely hated and averaged out at the bottom of the list because of its significant artificial mango flavor. Apparently, it had too much mango. I probably also shouldn’t have done this experiment with a group full of mango haters; I only came to find out AFTER the experiment.
I won’t stand for mango haters. 3.5/10 and sentencing you to death row in C-Tier (I’m sorry).
Finally, we have Cran-Apple. This was wildly loved, which was shocking to me, as I, again, had no idea this one existed before I went to Walmart.
The ratio was remarked as “Didn’t pair well together,” but somehow was the fourth most liked?
We need to make up our minds. I’m deciding for everyone and putting you in B-Tier with a 6.9/10 alongside a cat that will rub up against you but then bite when you try to pet it.
The top three has been decided… In first place, to nobody’s surprise, is Cran-Pineapple!
I don’t even care that nobody else tried it (because I drank it all before we could have the test), this is the best one by a landslide (to me).
Following very closely, we have Cran-Pomegranate! This one was favored by almost everyone who tried it, and I think it deserves its spot in second place.
In third place, we have Cran-Raspberry.
At the bottom of the pyramid, we have Cran-Mango. You deserved so much more than this…
That concludes Ava-Claire’s Cran-Baby tier list.
On another note, if you’re interested in trying some cranberry juice, shoot me an email. I have plenty left over.