March 6, 2026
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5th Quarter Column: McDermott fired after latest playoff heartbreak

5th Quarter Column: Rocky road leads Bills to Denver

5th Quarter Column: California Dreamin’

Printing points introduced for students, staff

5th Quarter Column: Allen regains MVP form with six scores

Fredonia’s hockey recruiting extends across the nation, world

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What dessert should you bring to your fall…

The ultimate cran-baby tier list

A girlfriend’s guide to watching your partner play video games

Lovercolumn: Expressions of Love

The Leader

Satire

Scallion

Local English major starting to wonder when he’ll be good at writing

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesJOSEPH MARCINIAK Scallion Editor A local English student, Paul Crendal, has begun to wonder when his “good writing skills” will kick in, latest reports say. According to eyewitness reports, Crendal struggled to come up with even one solid opening sentence for his creative writing class while working in the library.......
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Scallion

[SATIRE] Apple unveils new Water, Earth and Fire properties

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor On Sept. 15, Apple unveiled the new generation of iPad, the newly-upgraded iPad Air.  Tech nerds and Steve Jobs fanboys around the world were blown away by the initial announcement, but they failed to hear the more life-changing announcement that immediately followed it. It had......
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Scallion

Hey anime, I’m straight! Got that?

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesBRIAN CECALA Guest Scallywag Listen here, whoever it is designs the anime characters: I AM STRAIGHT! So stop making your characters these hot twinky boys, capeesh? Stop pushing your far left agenda to make me attracted to men.  Yes, I find your characters extremely attractive but that’s because you keep......
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Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – you, this week. taurus: ok so are you going to send aquarius the homework for math 115 or what…  gemini: wow, you’ve got a lot of people in your tinder dm’s for someone who’s supposed to be quarantining. cancer: i’m sensing some chaotic......
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Scallion

Trump says Biden is a bunch of ferrets in a trench coat

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor Once again, Donald Trump has been convinced of an out-of-this-world conspiracy theory that he found on social media. In a recent flurry of tweets, the president makes it clear that he is under the impression that vice president Joe Biden, the 2020 democratic candidate, is......
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Scallion

Reanimated rotting bodies of the 32nd Massachusetts of 1864 beat the shit out of Donald Trump

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor In a bizarre twist of fate, President Donald Trump was attacked by the reanimated corpses of a long-dead group of American Union soldiers from the Civil War.  The corpses in question were members of the 32nd Massachusetts Infantry Unit, who served under the also-dead Colonel......
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Scallion

[SATIRE] Top five criminal activities available to you this fall

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesTHALIA MAGISTRO Staff Scallywag Sometimes the desperate need to commit heinous crimes on campus comes to you. I get it. Filthy criminals like you don’t stop, and why should you? That’s why I’ve compiled a list, in no particular order, of the top five ways you can get put in......
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