scallion

[SATIRE] Meg’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 23, 2024September 23, 2024

September 23, 2024September 23, 2024

MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor What if I told you that I knew how to get through the horrors of college life? I know you don’t believe me. You’re probably saying “Megan…this is your fifth year of college, and you can’t even pass Music Theory III. How are you going to......

Scallion

NEW SCALLION ASSISTANT WANTED

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 8, 2024September 8, 2024

September 8, 2024September 8, 2024

MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor In a groundbreaking upset, Jace Jacobs, the Assistant Scallion Editor for The Leader, has graduated. After this tragic loss of our previous assistant, the editorial board of The Leader has announced the search for a new writing assistant for its highly esteemed (read: barely tolerated) satire......

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[SATIRE] What Will Your Semester Look Like?

Contributor to The LeaderAugust 31, 2024August 30, 2024

August 31, 2024August 30, 2024

ABBIE MILLER Editor in Chief, 1-Star Comedian With a new school year comes a new horoscopes writer, I am sad to say. It is my only hope that my horoscopes will do justice to the previous Assistant Scallion Editor and former horoscopes column writer, Jace Jacobs. This change is the......

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[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What the last month of the semester has in store for the signs

Contributor to The LeaderApril 26, 2024April 23, 2024

April 26, 2024April 23, 2024

JACE JACOBS Assistant Editor of The Scallion, Thrilled To Be Here Happy final stretch my loves! I don’t know about you all but I’m starting to hit a wall, so I’m looking to the stars to give us all some guidance on how to get through the end of the......

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[SATIRE] Statement Regarding King Charles’s Cancer Diagnosis

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 9, 2024March 4, 2024

March 9, 2024March 4, 2024

THE SCALLION TEAM Princess Diana Enthusiasts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯...

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My qualms with pocketless clothing

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 21, 2023October 17, 2023

October 21, 2023October 17, 2023

ISABELLA INZINNA Staff Writer There’s an age-old issue that anyone who wears women’s clothes struggles with. Something that, for whatever reason, we can’t seem to fix. An issue that many people are very familiar with: Pockets. Everyone loves pockets, they’re very handy. With a good pocket, you can eliminate the......

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[SATIRE] A football guide for Swifties

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 20, 2023October 19, 2023

October 20, 2023October 19, 2023

MATT VOLZ Sports Editor I used to be the only one who liked football and Taylor Swift. I can remember a time where I wore my Josh Allen jersey and Taylor-inspired friendship bracelets, confusing the heck out of everyone who passed by. I was the one and only “Football Swiftie,”......

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[COMIC] MoMA

Contributor to The LeaderJune 17, 2023June 12, 2023

June 17, 2023June 12, 2023

NICOLE THORSON Art Director...

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[SATIRE] PLEASE write for the Scallion

Contributor to The LeaderJune 16, 2023June 15, 2023

June 16, 2023June 15, 2023

MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Photo by Element5 Digital | Courtesy of Pexels Dear Witty Wordsmiths and Hilarious Humans, Greetings from the Headquarters of The Scallion, the renowned newspaper section that tickles funny bones and stimulates chuckles on a daily basis! We hope this letter finds you in a state of......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes 5/3

Contributor to The LeaderMay 9, 2023May 6, 2023

May 9, 2023May 6, 2023

JACE JACOBSGuest Scallywag, Semi-Pro Interpreter of the Stars This month the stars have some wisdom for the signs on where they’ll meet their soulmates. Keep an eye out for platonic and romantic vibes alike! Aries: As soon as the alien invasion happens, that’s where you’ll find your soulmate. Only someone......

Buffalo Bandits look to snatch third straight title

Why do gamers play games they hate?

Campus Life and Student Affairs unveil policy regulating on-campus assemblies

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What to get each sign

Holding space for the new Wicked movie: A review

[SATIRE] I hate Kia Souls

Why Dunkin’ Donuts is better than Tim Hortons, from the…

Apple Music vs. Spotify, coming from a person who has…

Abbie’s Thanksgiving food tier list

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How do you rank?

[SATIRE] Meg’s Declassified School Survival Guide

NEW SCALLION ASSISTANT WANTED

[SATIRE] What Will Your Semester Look Like?

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What the last month of the semester has in store for the signs

[SATIRE] Statement Regarding King Charles’s Cancer Diagnosis

My qualms with pocketless clothing

[SATIRE] A football guide for Swifties

[COMIC] MoMA

[SATIRE] PLEASE write for the Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes 5/3