MEGAN KIDBY
Scallion Editor
In a stunning move that has left students scratching their heads and faculty members questioning their life choices, SUNY has announced a revolutionary plan to overhaul its educational system.
Brace yourselves, folks, because SUNY is cutting all programs, effectively transforming itself into a “Program-Free Zone.”
In a press conference that felt more like a bizarre episode of a dystopian sitcom, SUNY Chancellor John B. King declared, “We’ve heard the cries for real-world relevance, and we’re ready to take action. Our bold strategy involves removing all programs, majors and courses, paving the way for a truly innovative education. This is the future, people!”
SUNY claims that the decision was inspired by a desire to prepare students for the challenges they’ll face in the real world.
Apparently, the real world is devoid of specialized skills and knowledge, and success is measured by one’s ability to navigate an information vacuum.
Students, however, are expressing a range of emotions, from confusion to outrage.
“I just spent four years studying business, and now they’re telling me it’s all for nothing? What am I going to do with my vast knowledge of coloring in the lines?” lamented one disgruntled senior.
Faculty members are also reeling from the announcement, with some expressing concerns about job security and others wondering if their expertise in physics or postmodern literature is now obsolete.
In response, the Chancellor assured everyone that they could still teach, as long as they avoid any specific subject matter.
To fill the void left by the elimination of programs, SUNY plans to offer a single, all-encompassing course titled “Life 101” throughout all campuses.
This course promises to cover everything from basic survival skills like cooking ramen noodles and doing laundry to advanced topics such as navigating social media drama and deciphering cryptic job descriptions.
SUNYs marketing team is already working on catchy slogans to attract prospective students to the new and improved institution. “Join SUNY – Where Ignorance Meets Ambiguity” and “Degrees Are So Last Century – Welcome to the Era of Generalized Knowledge!” are among the top contenders.
As the university prepares to roll out its groundbreaking initiative, the rest of the academic world watches with a mix of amusement and disbelief.
Will the future of education be a program-free utopia, or is SUNY leading the way to a world where everyone’s a master of nothing? Only time will tell.
In the meantime, students are advised to brush up on their ramen-cooking skills and embrace the uncertainty of the Program-Free Zone.