AVA-CLAIRE BORING
Scallion Editor
The Police Notter aims to provide false and completely made up information to students, faculty and the community in and around SUNY Fredonia. With the upcoming October break, some students have decided to go rogue.
This week has seen a significant increase in on-campus crimes, and the Police Notter aims to alert the community to these fake crimes.
On-Campus:
September 23: An investigation begins after a worker at Willy C’s, who will remain unnamed, was seen wiping their nose and continuing to prepare food without a proper glove change.
The investigation is not being conducted for said situation, but for the events that occurred shortly after a student saw the scene unfold. Witnesses state that the student, who will remain unnamed, jumped over the counter and forced the worker to eat the pair of gloves that made contact with the worker’s nose. The student was taken into police custody, and the worker has been quietly dismissed from their position at Willy C’s.
September 25: A student was taken into police custody after causing a public disturbance when finding out their name was spelled wrong on their Starbucks cup. After a Starbucks employee attempted to de-escalate the situation by apologizing for the spelling error and offering to remake the beverage, the student snapped a “Wet Floor” sign over their acquaintance’s head. Police gathered a short statement from the acquaintance who was affected by the attack.
“We’re not even acquaintances. I didn’t even know her — then all of a sudden, I’m on the floor, and my head is pounding… I would’ve rather slipped on that wet floor than being hit over the head with the sign that warns me about it!”
September 26: A student called University Police when a member of the faculty suffered from a mental breakdown after realizing nobody completed an assignment that had been assigned two weeks prior. After the faculty member had finished ridiculing the class, he was seen sprinting out of the classroom. Students followed the professor, where they saw him jump over the fence “with superhuman precision” and directly into the Jewett Hall construction zone. Construction workers tried to stop the faculty member, but to no avail. The professor gained access to a forklift and began driving recklessly around campus. The professor was only stopped when University Police threw spike strips in the forklift’s path, popping the tires immediately. The faculty member was put on medical leave.
October 1: A gas leak was detected by a construction worker whilst working on Jewett Hall. Dorm halls, along with a number of other halls that were conducting classes, were evacuated. The source of the gas leak was unknown until investigations were conducted. While many bystanders believed the gas leak was from a burst gas line due to construction on Jewett Hall, the cause was a noxious flatulent cloud produced by what was said to be a “particularly overweight squirrel.” Witnesses claimed they did not see the squirrel perform the “crop-dust,” but believed students and faculty acted accordingly and with procedure during the uncertainty.
Off-Campus:
September 22: Local discount store, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet, was stormed within minutes of opening. Circulations through the social media apps “Fizz” and “Yik Yak” spread rumors of a discounted Plus One vibrator being sold at Ollie’s within the next 24 hours. Following the social media post’s popularity and overnight fame, a crowd formed outside Ollie’s, with people even camping outside overnight. A direct quote from a citizen in the front of the line stated, “This is basically my Black Friday. When I saw that post on Fizz, I immediately packed my tent and got in my car. I’ve been here for 14 hours, and not even a blizzard could stand between me and what’s waiting for me inside this Ollie’s right now.”
When an Ollie’s employee unlocked the doors to the store at 9 a.m., he was immediately flattened by the stampede. Police were called to the scene, and what they saw was unlike anything they had ever witnessed. Suddenly, understanding the gravity of the stampede, customers were limited to one vibrator per customer. Eight people were hospitalized, with many more being injured. Police are still conducting investigations into who posted the alert across the social media apps.
September 26: Police were called to the Walmart location in Dunkirk when a citizen made a call to 911 to report a public disturbance. Police arrived on the scene to find an elderly female who had unboxed an electric skillet, along with numerous other food items from within the store. Not only did officers stumble upon the elderly female making breakfast, but a single-file line of customers behind her skillet, holding unpaid paper plates, awaiting a helping. Pancakes, bacon, biscuits, and eggs were cooked by the elderly female, and she even offered gluten, dairy, peanut, and tree-nut-free options for those with dietary restrictions. Police have her in custody, and her bond is currently placed at $15,000.