JESSICA D’NONSENS
Lampoonist
This political season has been ablaze with scandals: from incestuous remarks Donald Trump made about his daughter to “I-Robot” star Hillary Rodham Clinton, and of course the gorgeous (albeit pathetically polling) piece of man-candy that is Martin O’Malley. The only thing we’ve come to expect from the presidential candidates is that nothing — and I repeat nothing — is off limits.
Trump recently told a rally full of actual, living people that if he were to shoot someone, he would not lose any potential voters. Potential voters responded, according to former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, with hoots and hollers, rock ‘n’ rolling and holy rolling.
To test out his theory, Trump shot Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders in the arms three times, saying Sanders’ open arms policy on immigration was “a huge dumb issue.” As Sanders laid bleeding on the ground, Trump accused him of being “too weak to be President of the United States,” and advertised his Twitter handle to the scarce passersby.
One thing about this event truly stood out as disturbing; similar to how each of Sanders’ big political moments have gone, this event was covered by literally zero news sources.
“Well, we may not like him, but someone has to do something about that dang communist,” said FOX News correspondent Megyn Kelly. “And he used a gun. So really, we can’t be too mad at Trump here at FOX.”
“That sounds just horrible,” said Anderson Cooper of CNN. “But we heard that Hillary is making new strides in Iowa and New Hampshire. It’s not really the time to be focusing on something like a minor shooting.”
In fact, the only reason The Leader got any word of the event was because of Trump’s Twitter feed (which we looked at only to think of a funny, demeaning Trump meme).
“Someone get some ice 4 that Bern,” he tweeted yesterday. “Just kidding, walk it off Sanders.”
He then shared a picture of the gun used to shoot Sanders with the caption “You’re Fired!!” attached to it.
Sanders is currently doing well, but has turned down Trump’s lawyers who have offered to pay for his treatment.
“I’ve gotten this far without taking big donations from the 1 percent, and I’m not going to start now,” Sanders said, staring out the window with a single tear streaming down his face.
He sniffled, closed his eyes, and went to sleep.