Friday, Feb. 8
PEPRE Process found dead Friday afternoon. In related case, campus morale has gone missing.
Saturday, Feb. 9
Police called to Tim Horton’s to investigate multiple packages of Roll Up the Rim cups stolen. Spokesman estimates that the thief may have gotten away with a half-dozen Timbits.
Fredonia student Jason Cheung reported his cat missing. Cops later found his cat, Gordon, at Heenan’s drinking a fish bowl.
Sunday, Feb. 10
Prominent psychology professor was arrested for selling fake ids, egos and super-egos.
Wednesday, Feb. 13
Student concerned after campus paper ‘The Leader’ failed to publish a satire piece on President Donald Trump in their latest issue. EIC claimed the president did nothing wrong this week, “but we’ll catch him next week.”
Police were tipped off about the possible use of the Chuck E Cheese pizza recycle system at many local pizzerias. County Health Officials are investigating.
Thursday, Feb. 14
Club found throwing condoms and candy at students in the library. Police are taking STEPS to further promote safe sex.
Police are investigating a disturbance after an intoxicated man went up to multiple couples and yelled “Stop being happy!”
Sunday, Feb. 17
Cops called for a wellness check on a student. Student found in dorm room, distraught to learn that Il Diavolo will be turning back into El Diablo.