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[SATIRE] Too soon guys: Scarlett Johansson takes Black Panther leading role

MATTHEW BAUM

Assistant Scallion Editor

Following the tragic passing of legendary screen actor Chadwick Boseman, Marvel Studios had once again screwed the pooch by making a choice in very poor taste. It was announced on Friday that Scarlett Johansson would resume the role of King T’Challa in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and some fans are rightfully upset. 

The Twitterverse exploded after the announcement.

Scarlett Johansson | Still from Avengers: Endgame

The hashtags “SackScarlett” and “DropJohansson” were everywhere, and a number of Change.org petitions have been formed to remove the former Black Widow actress, some reaching upwards of 46,000 signatures.

Despite the public backlash, Marvel seems resolute in its decision, going so far as to host a live-stream with president Kevin Feige, who was a little preoccupied with letting gold coins embossed with Mickey Mouse ears slide in and out of his fingers.

“Well, you know, it’s hard for all of us here at Marvel,” he said, dressed in a silk robe and Baby Groot slippers, “but we are all very confident of Scarlett’s ability to find truth in the role. This is a good thing. Oops, almost let one fall under the couch! Silly me.”

Boseman’s family has declined to address the recasting of the Black Panther, but Scarlett Johansson was more than ready to discuss her new job. 

“I am just… so honored to be able to pick up where Chadwick left off in the Black Panther franchise. Since I’ve already played a role in the MCU, I think it’ll be a very smooth transition on- and off-screen.”

Apparently, this is a misguided thought.

Several of Johansson’s former co-stars were wary of the casting decision.

Anthony Mackie, the actor who plays Falcon in the MCU, said that the casting was “almost as dumb as that damn British kid,” going so far as to compare his discomfort with the choice to his discomfort with young star Tom Holland.

Jeremy Renner, still a bit preoccupied with the failure of his app, had only four words to say about the decision: “that’s probably not optimal.”

Johansson has had a history of accepting poorly-casted roles in the past, like when she played Major Mokoto Kusanagi in the live-action adaptation of the hit anime film “Ghost in the Shell,” or when she joined the crew of the film entitled “Rub & Tug” as a transgender man in 2018.

This leads certain members of The Scallion to believe that somebody on her staff lost a bet, and they are now obligated to suggest absolutely terrible choices for Johansson’s career.

Regardless, it seems as though Johansson is going to stick it out as the new Black Panther.

We wish the family of Chadwick Boseman our deepest condolences, and the best of luck to the rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

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