March 6, 2026
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5th Quarter Column: McDermott fired after latest playoff heartbreak

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Printing points introduced for students, staff

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The Leader

Donald Trump

Scallion

A nation divided

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesDOMINIC MAGISTRO Special to The Scallion   America could handle the rampant racism, gun violence, embryo murders and McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce riots, but there is no possible way a nation could withstand the most divisive question since the dawn of computers: “How is the abbreviated form of the graphics interchange......
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Scallion

Trump dedicates golf trophy to Puerto Rico

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesDOMINIC MAGISTRO Special to The Scallion   After Marshall Mathers’ scathing freestyle of his policies, President Donald Trump released a press statement announcing that his newest trophy from Mar-A-Lago would be dedicated to the victims of the disastrous series of hurricanes which struck Puerto Rico recently. Minutes after the press......
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Scallion

It’s a “no way” for Jose: Trump puts the hurricane in timeout

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesPATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist   The most decorated fight in United States history happened last week. It wasn’t the highly televised and clear cash grab that was the Mayweather-McGregor fight, but rather the fight between hurricane Irma and Jose. Jose ultimately lost the fight as brony and President Donald Trump......
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Scallion

Confederate statues replaced with ‘90s television stars

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutes  EMMA PATTERSON Assistant Lampoon Editor   Many southern states announced last week that all confederate statues and monuments will be replaced with ‘90s television stars over the next few days. This announcement was met with little-to-no controversy as a representative from the White House explained the reason behind the......
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Opinion

Nonviolence Isn’t Always Easy, But We Should Practice It Anyway

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesJames Lillin STAFF WRITER   The grotesque violence in Charlottesville, Virginia, has cast a shadow over the lives of many Americans, as a White Supremacist protester drove his car into a crowd of anti-racist protestors, murdering 32-year-old Helen Heyer and injuring at least 19 others. Many argue that the heavily-armed,......
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Scallion

Millions apply for disability after staring right into the solar eclipse

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesJACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist It was a bizarre day Aug. 21. Early in the morning lightning struck Old Main Drive, almost killing one student who had been stumbling back to campus, drunk. One might think Ben Frenklyn was lucky to escape the lightning, but that very same day he went......
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Opinion

Conservative Corner: 2020 can’t come sooner

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutes    CONNOR HOFFMAN Managing Editor   It’s been quite a wild ride from the time that I created this column about a year and a half ago. Barack Obama was president then, and I could have never imagined Donald Trump taking his place. At the time, he was just......
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Life & Arts

Kappa Sigma holds first annual Urban Dictionary Spelling Bee

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesKARA CEKUTA Staff Writer   Did you know that there is a name for that guy in your 8 a.m. philosophy class who won’t stop asking stupid, pointless questions? Well, according to Urban Dictionary, you could call that guy an “askhole.” On April 25, the brothers of Kappa Sigma asked......
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