Horoscopes

ALEXANDRA WALSH Guest Scallywag Aquarius: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could end up in prison. Watch out. Pisces: You should buy airpods because the wire on your headphones is very embarrassing. Aries: On Friday, you will feel a weight......

DOM MAGISTRO Staff Scallywag Aries: If you’re going to start a fight, wear sneakers. You’re going to need to run. Taurus: The world seems like it’s against you, but that’s just because you need to turn around. Gemini: People say you’re two-faced, but that’s not true. You’re such a backstabber.......

  THE FEVER Assistant Lampoonist   Aries Your free Amazon Prime subscription expired. So did your free Spotify trial. You may want to check your bank account.   Taurus If you hear someone scream this during the week, don’t play the hero. There’s nothing you can do to save that......