Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMay 5, 2016August 15, 2019

May 5, 2016August 15, 2019

REBECCA HALE Reverb Co-Editor Aries: You’ve been working your tushie off all semester, so you should probably take the week off. Don’t turn in a single assignment. Don’t even go to class or finals. You’ll still pass, maybe. Taurus: You’ve been wearing the same clothes for weeks. It’s......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMay 1, 2016August 15, 2019

May 1, 2016August 15, 2019

PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist Aries You’re finally going to meet your Tinderfella for a coffee at Upper Crust! Too bad he will literally be a koala bear. You’ve been catfished! Taurus Make a wish upon the stars; you’ll be sloshed and behind bars! Happy birthday, Taurus! ......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 22, 2016August 15, 2019

April 22, 2016August 15, 2019

JESSICA D’NONSENS Lampoonist Aries Start growing your beard. If you’re not a man, grow it even larger than your male counterparts to combat the patriarchy. Taurus Buy a barrel. Go to Niagara Falls. Step into the barrel. Let the river take you down. Become famous forever. Gemini You will find......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 17, 2016August 15, 2019

April 17, 2016August 15, 2019

MISSY FEOLA Staff Lampoonist Aries It’s time to face the cold, dark truth: Winter is never-ending. Summer will never come. It is the winter of your life, so bundle up and shut up about the sun. Taurus Buy yourself some dog food air fresheners for your car for......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 7, 2016August 15, 2019

April 7, 2016August 15, 2019

PATRICK BENNETT Lampoon Aries It doesn’t matter if you bought a strobe light and neon clothing. Nobody is going to show up to the rave in your dorm room. Clean your mini fridge; maybe after the stench is gone people will come. Taurus Be careful maneuvering on......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 1, 2016August 15, 2019

April 1, 2016August 15, 2019

Aries Midterms got you down? That’s alright. At least you don’t have to worry about disappointing your parents; they’ve been disappointed for a while. Taurus You may get catcalled on your way home from Fred Mart. Lunge at your assailants with the full fury of the heavens. ......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 21, 2016August 15, 2019

March 21, 2016August 15, 2019

THE FEVER Assistant Lampoonist Aries Your free Amazon Prime subscription expired. So did your free Spotify trial. You may want to check your bank account. Taurus If you hear someone scream this during the week, don’t play the hero. There’s nothing you can do to save that......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 1, 2016August 15, 2019

March 1, 2016August 15, 2019

EMMO Staff Lampoonist March 21 – April 19 Get ready to party, because you will win the lottery this week. You should probably set some of that cash aside to replace the car you crashed while scratching off the ticket. April 20 – May 20 Whitney Houston will rise from......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 24, 2016August 15, 2019

February 24, 2016August 15, 2019

PATRICK BENNETT March 21 – April 19 Sometimes a horoscope is unable to guide you to greener pastures. Looking for a motivational alternative? Try DJ Khaled’s Snapchat. April 20 – May 20 Avoid karaoke night this week. Just stay home and sing at your cat instead. May 21......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 18, 2016August 15, 2019

February 18, 2016August 15, 2019

EMMO Staff Lampoonist March 21 – April 19 You will be very strong and confident this week, like Cam Newton. Unfortunately, the world is Von Miller. It will break you physically and emotionally. You will cry. April 20 – May 20 You will smash your head against your desk......

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