Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 10, 2016August 15, 2019

February 10, 2016August 15, 2019

RILEY STRAW Lampoon Editor Aries You will start to really #feelthebern this week, but it won’t be because of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders. You have contracted dysentery. Seek medical treatment. Taurus You will realize that astrology is a fabricated system of vague generalizations designed to make you feel as......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderJanuary 26, 2016August 15, 2019

January 26, 2016August 15, 2019

MISSY FEOLA Staff Lampoonist Aries You will wake up in the morning feeling like you can take on the world. You will start saying things like, “The world is my oyster!” Well, it’s not. And you can’t take on the world, that’s my job. Go back to bed.......

Scallion

Ho Ho Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderDecember 10, 2015August 15, 2019

December 10, 2015August 15, 2019

PHYLLIS T. CUPP Astrolampoonist Aries The stars hate the pants you’re wearing today. Ask for new ones this holiday, or, better yet, just stop wearing pants altogether. Taurus Sadly, Taurus, your family still has no idea what to get for you for the holiday season. Though you specifically......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderDecember 3, 2015August 15, 2019

December 3, 2015August 15, 2019

EMMO Staff Lampoonist Capricorn Time to let loose, Capricorn. You have become tense because of your unwillingness to try something new. This week, relieve your stress by using your nondominant hand. Aquarius Rebellion is in your nature, Aquarius. Try using the other hand during alone time. Pisces......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 23, 2015August 15, 2019

November 23, 2015August 15, 2019

MISSY FEOLA Staff Lampoonist Capricorn Feeling extra salty today? The Starbucks cups got you all riled up? Go find some sugar and sprinkle it all over yourself to counteract your salty ways. Then, put some in your coffee and shut up. Aquarius No one likes to be......

Scallion

Fancy Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 10, 2015August 15, 2019

November 10, 2015August 15, 2019

Aries It’s time to find a new outlet for your bottled rage, Aries. Regina George from “Mean Girls” cannot be your role model forever. Unless, of course, you want to join the women’s lacrosse team. That seemed to do wonders for her. Taurus Alright, we get it,......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 3, 2015August 15, 2019

November 3, 2015August 15, 2019

PHYLLIS T. CUPP Lampoonist Aries Your lack of outward emotion will work in your favor, Aries, as the 25th Annual Staring Contest is being held on Sunday. You will finish in third place. Taurus This week, your stress will consume you like you consumed Maria’s four times last......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 20, 2015August 18, 2019

October 20, 2015August 18, 2019

AMANDA DEDIE News Editor Capricorn If you’ve had a strong craving for nuts lately, you’re either turning into a squirrel or you’re just really horny. Get down to the C-store or Sunny’s, ASAP, and just — dare I say it? — go nuts! Aquarius It’s getting colder,......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 13, 2015August 15, 2019

October 13, 2015August 15, 2019

THE FEVER Lampoonist Capricorn Capricorn? More like Capri-CORNY. You will be subjected to heavy doses of cheesy humor if you continue your regular routine. Switch it up to avoid persistent psyche-damaging humor. Aquarius Be wary of your surroundings, Aquarius. You will encounter many heartbroken friends and companions this......

Scallion

Horoscopes Week 6

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 1, 2015August 15, 2019

October 1, 2015August 15, 2019

PHYLLIS T. CUPP Lampoonist Capricorn It’s getting cold enough to retire your favorite pair of short shorts this week, Capricorn. The frilled hem wasn’t doing you any favors anyway. Aquarius If you get stir fry from the Williams Center, make sure you also buy a lot of water.......

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Horoscopes Week 6