Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 7, 2016August 15, 2019

April 7, 2016August 15, 2019

PATRICK BENNETT Lampoon Aries It doesn’t matter if you bought a strobe light and neon clothing. Nobody is going to show up to the rave in your dorm room. Clean your mini fridge; maybe after the stench is gone people will come. Taurus Be careful maneuvering on......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 1, 2016August 15, 2019

April 1, 2016August 15, 2019

Aries Midterms got you down? That’s alright. At least you don’t have to worry about disappointing your parents; they’ve been disappointed for a while. Taurus You may get catcalled on your way home from Fred Mart. Lunge at your assailants with the full fury of the heavens. ......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 21, 2016August 15, 2019

March 21, 2016August 15, 2019

THE FEVER Assistant Lampoonist Aries Your free Amazon Prime subscription expired. So did your free Spotify trial. You may want to check your bank account. Taurus If you hear someone scream this during the week, don’t play the hero. There’s nothing you can do to save that......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 1, 2016August 15, 2019

March 1, 2016August 15, 2019

EMMO Staff Lampoonist March 21 – April 19 Get ready to party, because you will win the lottery this week. You should probably set some of that cash aside to replace the car you crashed while scratching off the ticket. April 20 – May 20 Whitney Houston will rise from......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 24, 2016August 15, 2019

February 24, 2016August 15, 2019

PATRICK BENNETT March 21 – April 19 Sometimes a horoscope is unable to guide you to greener pastures. Looking for a motivational alternative? Try DJ Khaled’s Snapchat. April 20 – May 20 Avoid karaoke night this week. Just stay home and sing at your cat instead. May 21......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 18, 2016August 15, 2019

February 18, 2016August 15, 2019

EMMO Staff Lampoonist March 21 – April 19 You will be very strong and confident this week, like Cam Newton. Unfortunately, the world is Von Miller. It will break you physically and emotionally. You will cry. April 20 – May 20 You will smash your head against your desk......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 10, 2016August 15, 2019

February 10, 2016August 15, 2019

RILEY STRAW Lampoon Editor Aries You will start to really #feelthebern this week, but it won’t be because of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders. You have contracted dysentery. Seek medical treatment. Taurus You will realize that astrology is a fabricated system of vague generalizations designed to make you feel as......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderJanuary 26, 2016August 15, 2019

January 26, 2016August 15, 2019

MISSY FEOLA Staff Lampoonist Aries You will wake up in the morning feeling like you can take on the world. You will start saying things like, “The world is my oyster!” Well, it’s not. And you can’t take on the world, that’s my job. Go back to bed.......

Scallion

Ho Ho Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderDecember 10, 2015August 15, 2019

December 10, 2015August 15, 2019

PHYLLIS T. CUPP Astrolampoonist Aries The stars hate the pants you’re wearing today. Ask for new ones this holiday, or, better yet, just stop wearing pants altogether. Taurus Sadly, Taurus, your family still has no idea what to get for you for the holiday season. Though you specifically......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderDecember 3, 2015August 15, 2019

December 3, 2015August 15, 2019

EMMO Staff Lampoonist Capricorn Time to let loose, Capricorn. You have become tense because of your unwillingness to try something new. This week, relieve your stress by using your nondominant hand. Aquarius Rebellion is in your nature, Aquarius. Try using the other hand during alone time. Pisces......

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