humor

Don’t make me paint my own parking spot

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 27, 2024September 27, 2024

September 27, 2024September 27, 2024

Reading Time: 3 minutesMARISSA BURR Opinion Editor Graphic by ISABELLA RIZZO|Art Director We’re only three weeks into the semester and I am about ready to start carrying around white spray paint in my backpack. No, I’m not going to start tagging every construction zone on campus, because that would be a lot of......

Scallion

[SATIRE] The grave of the Pedro Pastall

Abigail JacobsonFebruary 25, 2024February 19, 2024

February 25, 2024February 19, 2024

Reading Time: 2 minutesABIGAIL JACOBSON Asst. News Editor ATTENTION! I SAID ATTENTION! According to multiple sources across campus, the Pedro Pascal shrine, AKA the Pedro Pastall, has been reportedly taken down. By whom, you may ask? BY PEDRO PASCAL’S HATERS! Those scoundrels. How dare they take down the shrine I go and pray......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Top 10 best dogs for being anything but dogs

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 20, 2022November 20, 2022

November 20, 2022November 20, 2022

Reading Time: 3 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor As we all know, the best kinds of dogs are dogs that can do jobs! Service dogs, emotional support animals, dogs that help open doors and things, each of them more lovely than the last. This convenience comes with two problems. The first is that there......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes 11/9

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 9, 2022November 8, 2022

November 9, 2022November 8, 2022

Reading Time: < 1 minuteJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hello friends, here’s the first thing on your playlist for November! Aries: “Bang Bang” by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj Taurus: “Michael in the Bathroom” by Be More Chill Gemini: “Buddy Holly” by Weezer Cancer: “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift Leo: “Axel F” by Crazy Frog Virgo:......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Top 12 tips to survive a mosh pit

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 8, 2022October 15, 2022

October 8, 2022October 15, 2022

Reading Time: 3 minutesJACKSON MOELLER Guest Scallywag With live music coming back to venues all across the country, we here at the Scallion want to help out the everyday concert-goer and their teensy-tiny friends that were peer-pressured to go to the Slipknot concert. Below are some of the best ways to survive the......

Scallion

Comics: Midterms

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 11, 2022March 9, 2022

March 11, 2022March 9, 2022

Reading Time: < 1 minuteBy Nicole Thorson...

Scallion

[SATIRE] Highlights of the Olympics, by someone who for sure watched the Olympics

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 11, 2022March 9, 2022

March 11, 2022March 9, 2022

Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor Since the Olympics ended last week a few weeks ago, there has been loads of information to dissect and break down. Luckily, I am someone who for sure, absolutely paid attention to the sports events that went down. Some guy smashed his balls on one of......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Top 6 things you can do to help Ukraine

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 11, 2022March 9, 2022

March 11, 2022March 9, 2022

Reading Time: 2 minutesBRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag You’re looking on the news and you’re watching TikTok when you see the horrific footage of war and death taking place in Ukraine. You feel helpless and despondent. The more you look around the more the world reminds you that we are little people with no......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Spring break edition

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 9, 2022March 9, 2022

March 9, 2022March 9, 2022

Reading Time: 2 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hello, my friends! I’m bringing to you some advice to each sign about what to do over spring break — if you have no plans, of course. Aries: Set fires in Mason while no one’s there. (DON’T DO THIS. THIS IS SATIRE.) Taurus: Go home and learn......

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Don’t make me paint my own parking spot

[SATIRE] The grave of the Pedro Pastall

[SATIRE] Top 10 best dogs for being anything but dogs

[SATIRE] Horoscopes 11/9

[SATIRE] Top 12 tips to survive a mosh pit

Comics: Midterms

[SATIRE] Highlights of the Olympics, by someone who for sure watched the Olympics

[SATIRE] Top 6 things you can do to help Ukraine

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Spring break edition