MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
Since the Olympics ended last week a few weeks ago, there has been loads of information to dissect and break down. Luckily, I am someone who for sure, absolutely paid attention to the sports events that went down.
- Some guy smashed his balls on one of the slalom poles for skiing.
- There was a figure skater from one of those European countries who did some really impressive spins. They just kept going! It was wild! The audience was up in arms!
- Shawn White is still a skateboarding legend, and he holds the weight of the pride of all of the United States for his gnar shreds up on the fresh powder.
- There were some very nice fireworks, I guess. Lots of fireworks on that first night there.
- My dad said the curling was really intense this year. I couldn’t tell you whether or not that’s true. The whole sport is a convoluted rock-and-broom mess. It’s the game of apathetic dads everywhere.
- Some idiot dumbass idiot hurt himself when he was sliding down the luge ramp. Rookie mistake, honestly. I would never have screwed the pooch so bad if I was there. Lame sauce. I’m telling you, I could do that! It’s just sliding down a hill! Easy-peasy.
- Everyone was really uncomfortable with the Russian competitors, and I don’t want to say it was for good reason, buuuuuuut….
- Did I mention the slalom thing? I saw the video on Facebook, and Jeez Louise, it was terrifying. Poor guy. He really hollered when he got walloped.
- My buddy Brian saw me writing this and said, “Wait, the Olympics ended?” which I thought was pretty funny.
- The Batman movie came out, and I’ve heard very good things. It’s not really related to the Olympics, but whatever.
- Turns out the slalom guy was from like seven years ago. But you didn’t even know. You didn’t watch the Olympics, I could have said anything, and you would have eaten it all up. I have a hard enough time bringing you content, and I can not be expected to be spot-on with all my facts! I’m an editor, damn it, not a historian!
- Canada’s women’s hockey team brought home the gold, beating out the United States and Finland teams.