Satire
[SATIRE] Top 10 best dogs for being anything but dogs
MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor As we all know, the best kinds of dogs are dogs that can do jobs! Service dogs, emotional support animals, dogs that help open doors and things, each of them more lovely than the last. This convenience comes with two problems. The first is that there......
[SATIRE] “Same grass, different day” — Local deer speaks out against on-campus food options
MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor In the last several weeks, it has been made clear to the staff at SUNY Fredonia that the local herd of deer have had enough of the status quo. A great number of deer have been seen wandering the grassy stretches of Fredonia’s campus with more......
[COMIC] Advising Week
NICOLE THORSON Special to The Leader...
[SATIRE] Fredonia announces university-wide activities to boost morale
MEGAN KIDBY Guest Scallywag In order to boost morale and entice admissions applicants, President Stephen Kolison of SUNY Fredonia has just announced some school-wide activities that have been planned for the school year! In an email sent to the student body last week, Kolison declared that “the vibe on campus......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes 11/9
JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hello friends, here’s the first thing on your playlist for November! Aries: “Bang Bang” by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj Taurus: “Michael in the Bathroom” by Be More Chill Gemini: “Buddy Holly” by Weezer Cancer: “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift Leo: “Axel F” by Crazy Frog Virgo:......
[SATIRE] “We were just kidding,” says billions of missing snow crabs
MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor As it turns out, crabs have a tremendous sense of humor. Last week, reports had shown that there was a shortage of over two billion Alaskan snow crabs when compared to expected numbers based on population projections. Be it a sign of overfishing, a devastating loss......
[SATIRE] Halloween horoscopes
JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hi friends! Here’s another horoscopes article for you. Here’s what you should be for Halloween, since obviously now is the time to think about it. Aries: Three Man Hill with your friends. Taurus: Ask your friends what breed of dog you are and be that specific dog.......
[SATIRE] Top 12 tips to survive a mosh pit
JACKSON MOELLER Guest Scallywag With live music coming back to venues all across the country, we here at the Scallion want to help out the everyday concert-goer and their teensy-tiny friends that were peer-pressured to go to the Slipknot concert. Below are some of the best ways to survive the......
[SATIRE] Chris Pine announces MasterClass on managing the most obnoxious people you know
MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor Chris Pine, the celebrated actor featured in the newest Olivia Wilde film “Don’t Worry Darling” has just announced that he is teaming up with MasterClass to teach subscribers how to avoid wasting one’s time with the most miserable people on the planet. Pop culture experts believe......