EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Scallion Editor
- Keep tissues in your sleeve so you’ll have them handy during those late-night sob sessions at the back of the library.
- Having trouble concentrating on your schoolwork? Find an abandoned field, dig a hole about 50-feet deep and jump right in. There are no distractions here, except for the occasional severed limb/mole person.
- If you left all your studying to the last minute, make some coffee, eat a protein-rich snack, play “Chariots of Fire” on repeat, hit your head against your textbook multiple times, get a professor to stare at you disdainfully, pray for the first time, highlight the entire textbook, stay up all night, manage to look good the next morning, pass test with flying colors, become a top business executive at a business-y business firm, etc. Basically do everything you usually see in a crappy movie montage. It usually works out for them!
- Take a three-hour nap. You’ve obviously earned it!
- If you feel yourself losing focus, you should always pick up your phone and scroll through all your pictures. Choosing that exact moment to FINALLY clear some photo space is extremely helpful when it comes to the biophysics you were studying.
- Drink a glass of pickle juice mixed with sriracha the night before a big test. This probably won’t do anything; we’re just curious to see if everything TRULY tastes better with sriracha.
- If you feel yourself starting to fall asleep in class, slap yourself awake and yell, “YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS, JONATHAN!” You may not feel better, but the rest of the class probably won’t forget that day’s material for a while.
- If your brain feels overheated from so much studying/worrying/ spiraling, put it in a tub of ice water and lemon juice. It might sting a little, but not only will you end up feeling better, you’ll smell like lemons for the rest of your life.
- Group project getting you down? Research shows that if you completely ignore the assignment AND all texts/emails/frantic letters from your group members, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WILL HAPPEN AND EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU. DO NOT DO THIS.
- Wrap a soft taco shell around a crunchy taco shell so a) the shell doesn’t break and b) you can put more cheese in the soft shell. This doesn’t have anything to do with finals, but it’s probably the most helpful hack on here.