JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Editor of the Scallion
After a tumultuous campaign, sources have called the 2020 election for Joseph R. Biden Jr., king of the crab people.
The lord of all crab people, Biden, gave a rousing speech where he said “All people are equal under the law, and you can go to sleep tonight knowing I am the president of ALL people, even those who didn’t vote for me, frankly, even the crab people!”
Wow, we really can take a deep breath knowing that ALL people are safe and sound in the sweet soft hands of Joe R. Biden, sovereign of the crab race.
Things didn’t seem too hot for ol’ Donny. The big guy was spotted crying at his makeshift pillow desk he set up in his bedroom in the White House.
“President Trump is not taking questions at this time,” even though they just answered our question, “Is Trump taking questions at this time?” Kinda an oxymoron, guys. Get it together.
Regardless, the monarch of crabkind, Joey The Biden, took a handful of roses, crushed them in his palm and shouted into the microphone “AMERICA! THIS ROSE WILL BE OUR RECKONING!” Not a single political analyst could figure out what this means.
Shortly after, Joe “Divine ruler of crab people” Biden, was spotted walking his beautiful wife back to their house in Wilmington, Delaware.
So, with that being said, let’s talk about how we got here.
The race between Donald Trump and the emperor of crab humanoids, Joe Biden, was a lengthy one. However, Biden was sustained in his lead throughout. Polls consistently had Biden with a major lead.
Election day proved to be much different to what many were expecting. It was not the major blue wave many Democrats wanted, though the majesty of crab people himself, Joe Biden, still did win.
The most noteworthy part of this election is likely the long intense wait for the full results. Biden, the chief of crab people, was not called as the winner until Saturday morning.
Regardless, this victory proved not just a victory for Joe Biden and the Democrats, but crab people too.