Dear Fairy Godmother,
I’m new on campus and even though it’s only been a week, I keep seeing this cute girl around. She’s in a bunch of my classes, and whenever I go to Willies she’s in there sitting with her friends. I’ve started going out of my way to remember her schedule, to be romantic ya know? I don’t wanna jump the gun, but I feel like she likes me. I mean, why else would she always be where I am? Should I talk to her? I’m pretty sure she’s interested.
Please help,
Fresh Meat
Dear Fresh Meat,
Your first year of college is an exciting time! Allow me to personally give you one concrete piece of advice to help in this transition; the first girl on campus to give you a hard-on is not your soulmate. She is almost definitely not interested and in fact may be creeped out by the fact that you change your schedule just to see her. If you absolutely must talk to her, be subtle. Please, for the love of glass slippers and talking mice, BE SUBTLE. Don’t come on as strong as your instincts are telling you, don’t mention seeing her around campus all the time and please, respect her space. I have no recipe for success in this situation, but do try not to make a fool of yourself this early on. You’ll thank me later.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
So I had my first class today and my professor is literally the devil. Only four absences allowed per semester?! Does she think we’re superheroes or something? Don’t even get me started about weekly if not daily readings. It’s totally unfair and I feel personally victimized. Please give me advice on how to get this woman reprimanded, or how to drop the class.
Please help,
Fed up in Fenton
Dear Fed up,
My dear, please go back to high school. It’s clear whatever diploma you received was only for show, and I’m not sure you’re ready for the rigorous dedication required by an institution of higher learning.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
I’m from a small-town in Pennsylvania and this is the first time I’ve ever lived near a Starbucks. I go everyday before class, once in the afternoon and sometimes before I head home. I’ve never felt so awake! The unfortunate part is that my mom texted me and said I’m already running low on funds after the first week and trust me … she wasn’t happy. How can I live right next to such an amazing place but not spend every waking moment indulging in everything it has to offer?
Please help,
Caffeinated on Campus
Dear Caffeinated,
Studies show that drinking coffee may help people live longer. Unfortunately for you, the sugar-loaded concoctions made famous by your favorite coffee mermaid are not included in this study. Combine that with the sheer amount you’re consuming on a daily basis and it spells a recipe for your “freshman fifteen” hitting much sooner than expected. Give your heart a break dear, and drink some water. Your body and wallet will thank you.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother