Dear Fairy Godmother,
Thanksgiving was SO relaxing, how am I supposed to come
back to school for another month? The cold weather and
finals make me miserable just thinking about it. My roommate
also keeps playing Christmas music even though I’ve told
him it gives me a headache. Do you have any tips for getting
through the end of the semester without dying?
Please help,
Tired as Hell
Dear Tired,
Breaks like this exist to test your willpower; you have to show
them who’s boss. If you quit now, you’ll be doing exactly what
they want you to do. Button up your coat and lace up your
boots because winter is coming and so are finals. Stock up
on energy drinks and coffee (or maybe try cocaine) to keep
yourself awake because sleep equals failure. Don’t bother
remembering due dates because they’re bound to change so
instead simply be vigilant every moment of every day for
the next month. Ask your professors if you need help and
remember that talking isn’t the end-all-be-all of convincing
tactics. If you have the pride of a chipmunk, however, you
could just roll over and die. The school would keep your
tuition and you’d be minus one degree. Why not just keep
paying them for that almost meaningless piece of paper? Just
like in gambling, the house always wins.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
The girls in my suite want to do Secret Santa to celebrate our
first semester living together, but I have two problems with
that idea: I’m poor and I don’t like them. I thought about just
disappearing and faking my own death, but I’d really like to
graduate after putting in all this work. I could also move out,
but that’s a huge hassle. How do I either get out of this, or
come up with a cheap gift for someone I dislike?
Please help,
Grinchy
Dear Grinchy,
I would recommend going along with the idea simply because
you have to live with these girls, so avoiding tension is
probably for the best. Gift ideas for someone you hate is an
interesting concept that I’ve put a lot of thought into on your
behalf. Cursed items are always my go-to for situations like
this; any seemingly innocent gift can carry a nasty curse. Give
your roommate a hairbrush that slowly makes her go bald.
Gift the girl next door a mug that seeps carcinogens into her
drink whenever she uses it. The holiday season can be fun
even if you loathe humanity, you just need to know how to
make your own joy.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
Over break, I accidentally ruined my own life. I was getting
ready for Thanksgiving dinner and got frustrated with my
makeup. My cousins are all hotter than me, so I try to put in a
little more effort than just walking around the house in sweats
with nothing on my face. Anyway, I was getting frustrated
when I grabbed my eyebrow razor to get rid of some pesky
stray hairs. My hand slipped. I shaved off half of my eyebrow.
I didn’t have time to mourn as my family was arriving soon
so instead I hastily drew one on and tried to pretend I didn’t
want to die. Everyone could tell but they didn’t say anything,
probably out of pity. My roommate at school is going to mock
me until the end of time. What can I do to prevent her from
noticing?
Please help,
Browclops
Dear Browclops,
I struggled to write this letter through my tears. My abdomen
hurts from laughing. I’m laughing with you, not at you, I
assure you, dear. Your problem is one faced by impatient
makeup fans everywhere but unfortunately, it’s not one with a
simple answer. You could continue to draw your brow on but
as you stated, it isn’t very believable. You could also buy a fake
mustache, cut it to the shape and glue it to your forehead. If
all else fails, simply make your roommate disappear and she’ll
never have another bad thing to say. Happy Holidays!
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother