MEGAN KIDBY
Guest Scallywag
In order to boost morale and entice admissions applicants, President Stephen Kolison of SUNY Fredonia has just announced some school-wide activities that have been planned for the school year!
In an email sent to the student body last week, Kolison declared that “the vibe on campus is super wack” and that he had formed a committee of students to help recommend potential campus-wide activities that a wide range of students would be interested in.
One of these activities has been described as a “hotbox” in the Blue Lounge of the Williams Center. On April 20, 2023, the school will close off the Blue Lounge from 4 to 8 p.m. for students to “roll up and chillax.” According to the email, “aromatic herbs” will be provided to make the lounge smell nice and snacks will also be provided just in case students get “mondo munchies.”
Another activity that has been announced is the Cool Driving competition which will be held on June 9, 2023. The Driving Safety League of Fredonia will be on campus to give tips on how to drive safely while still looking cool. Despite the Scallion’s best efforts, there is no record to be found online of any foundation or organization known as the Driving Safely League of Fredonia, and when asked about the group, President Kolison just chuckled, said, “that’s for me to know and for you to wonder,” and walked away with a wink. The DSL will also judge the Groovy Gearshift poster-making contest, with the prize being a $17 gift card to Applebee’s (the Dunkirk Applebee’s has stated for the record that they are not a sponsor of the event).
The final announcement from the email is scheduled for mid-August of next year, and the name of the event is “Bring All the Flammable Items you Have to the Woods in the Center of Ring Road and We’ll Burn the B*tch Down Bar-B-Que.” The description under the title was very brief, giving no other details of the event, planned activities for the evening or any safety precautions, reading only, “The insurance will come piling in, but only if we really torch it up. Show school spirit, and join your fellow students in some mostly-harmless fun!”
Similarly to before, when asked about the cryptic message under the program title, Kolison refused to respond, walking away and performing what could be described as a maniacal laugh.
Say what you will about President Kolison’s tactics, but it’s true that he knows how to grab the attention of his constituents.