JACE JACOBS
Assistant Scallion Editor
Photo By TARA WINSTEAD | Provided by Pexels
Election season is quickly approaching, and I thought it would benefit the public to know why I feel my father would be the best choice for president of the United States. (PS. Please don’t tell him I wrote this article because it will go straight to his head. My mom can’t deal with that.)
10. Supports both gay rights and wrongs.
9. Downloads songs my mom says she likes onto his phone. (He then proceeds to complain about these songs every time they play because he doesn’t like them, but he keeps them on his phone because she likes them. It’s almost sweet!)
8. Used to work in the inner city of Rochester, NY.
7. Kind to most children (but not all).
6. Usually isn’t racist (he’s learning).
5. Owns all of Bruno Mars’ solo albums on CD (yes, physical CDs. My sister bought him all of the ones that were out for Christmas one year and he bought the next one that was released himself).
4. Reformed transphobe, is now an ally.
3. Former health teacher who doesn’t quite understand the importance of reproductive rights (he has a lot of conflicting feelings on the hot-button issues).
2. He’s a golf teacher who owns his own business. Presidents usually golf a lot and have strong opinions about business, so I think he’s got this in the bag.
1. Played golf with Ray Romano, Adam Levine and Hank Haney (Tiger Woods’ golf coach). He has the celebrity endorsement factor going for him. Pretty cool, right?
Anyway, I hope you, the American people, will please consider my father, the man who raised me as his own, to be President of the United States of America.
If you elect my dad, not only will you get an incredibly grumpy rescue dog as the new White House pet, but you will also have me as the First Son.
This means I could potentially have a whirlwind love affair with a foreign prince, which, if the books and movies I choose to consume have not lied to me, would be pretty neat.
So yeah.
Please vote for my dad.
Do it for me, not him.
Thank you for your consideration.
(Not endorsed by my dad or his business).