JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Big Muscular Editor of the Scallion
For years, I have strived to be a man with muscles. I usually walk around with noodle arms like many others. But my friends, I have some news.
I, Joseph Marciniak, now have big muscles. As you can see by the image taken of me next to this article, I am now a large muscular man.
Crazy, I know. Everyone always thinks “Oh, Joe? Oh yeah, no that guy will never have muscles.”
Well guess what, Jimmy? I do now, you asshole.
You may be wondering, “Why would I, as a student/professor at Fredonia, care about some random writer having muscles?”
Easy answer: because I am the most important student.
Make a mental list of important students in your head; who comes to the top? I guarantee it’s me up there.
Now I’m not one to toot my own horn, but it’s pretty clear I am the MOST important.
Anyways, sidestepping away from that point, I have one question for you all. Are you jealous? I bet you are. If you’re jealous, please email me why you’re jealous. My email is marc6930@fredonia.edu.
So far I’ve had upwards of 20 students tell me they’re massively jealous of my HUGE muscles. It’s more common than you’d think. I’m unphased, though. I’ve had this sort of praise my whole life, haha, no big deal.
Oh, forgot to mention, I’m single, ladies. You can swipe right on me on Tinder and then never get a response because I deleted it due to all the anxiety it gave me.
Feel free to approach me in BJ’s and buy me a Long Island or something. I’m really poor. But not of mind. I am rich of mind and muscles, as seen in the picture.