ANITA TENSION
Special to The Lampoon
The University Bookstore announced Friday that, beginning in December, they would stock a new type of “double wide” longboard rumored to take up at least two times the amount of space on roads, sidewalks and in the aisles between desks in classrooms.
The new longboard, the bookstore promises, is “guaranteed to be as unwieldy as modern science allows,” and will feature “big, gnarly wheels the size of your head which will absolutely obliterate the feet of anyone dumb enough to even try accessing the public walkways.”
“Every dimension of the thing is planned out to be as clunky as possible,” says Robert Herschel, a representative from the manufacturer. “A highly trained team of engineers has examined every line and contour of the product, ensuring that nothing about it is even close to conveniently sized.
“This thing even runs on gasoline,” a pleased Herschel adds, revving the fuel-guzzling plank on wheels. “It doesn’t have to, of course – nothing has to – but we thought it was a nice touch.”
Not everyone in the community is pleased, however. Local longboarder Wesley O’Halloran expressed concern over the increased presence of the “Hummer of longboards.”
“There’s just no way my teeny-tiny, wimpy-ass normal longboard can compare with the shiny awesomeness of the double-wide longboard,” he told reporters, shaking his head sadly and thumbing the tattered lip of his embarrassingly small longboard. “When I roll up, no one’s like, ‘Damn that guy’s board is really long.’ They’re just like, ‘That is a small, weak man.’”
“Maybe they’re right,” he added, pushing away on the pitifully undersized longboard that brought shame to him and his ancestors.