Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
- Be mindful of the choices you make for food this week, Capricorn. Do not eat El Diablo on Wednesday: it will come back on Thursday with a vengeance.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
- The odds are not in your favor this week. Do not leave your room at all on Monday, Aquarius, because as soon as you step outside into a clearing, the heavens will open and rain down upon you with the force of a thousand oceans.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)
- The planets have aligned this week, and you can eat whatever you want because you won’t gain a pound! Just kidding, Pisces — the Sophomore 20 is a real bitch.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
- Watch out for falling nuts.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
- Sunny’s is in your future this week. But be wary, Taurus, because 50 cent drafts will turn into $10 at Maria’s.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
- You know what Gemini? You need a change in your life. Go get a haircut at that sketchy barber downtown. Make sure you tip him well or he will shave a lightning bolt into the side of your head.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
- Don’t believe her, Cancer; she’s not pregnant.
Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
- Embrace your artistic side this week, Leo, and go paint a mural on the side of Rockefeller. It will be an excellent addition to the extension that will probably be ready in five years.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 22)
- The Earth will be slightly off kilter on Tuesday this week, and your vertigo will kick in. Be careful when walking in a straight line, Virgo, because you will most likely end up eating shit on the sidewalk.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
- Libra, you should go buy yourself a fish. Name him Pablo. Buy him a nice little plant to go in his bowl. You will be best friends for two weeks.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 22)
- Someone has put a curse on your shoelaces. Only wear crocs for the rest of the week to be safe.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
- Invest in a cowboy hat. It will bring you good luck.