THE FEVER
Special to The Lampoon
Some people just can’t hold their liquor — especially freshmen. Such was proven when a drunken freshman was arrested at the fountain by University Police last week.
The freshman, who remains unidentified, was just returning from his first party. According to partygoers, he had taken multiple shots and even indulged in the jungle juice.
“That was crazy, like a monkey on crack,” an eyewitness began. “Except he didn’t fling his poop around, thankfully.”
Stumbling around the party, he began spewing obscene comments to partygoers, all the while drinking more and continuously sharing how he had never drank before. With the walking capability of a toddler and the speaking skills of Donald Trump, the freshman left the party to supposedly head back to his dorm.
However, one misplaced FREDCard later, and the student was locked out for the night.
“I didn’t know him, and I’m not allowed to let anyone in without a card, unless it’s the Calios guy or something,” stated the NDA on duty that night.
Wandering around campus without a care in the world, the freshman eventually found his way to the fountain. University Police made the arrest when they located the student rolling around on the ground next to the fountain. Upon further investigation, it was obvious that he had used the fountain as a bathroom.
“I feel bad for the people that made wishes in that fountain,” an arresting officer said. “This kid literally took a dump on their hopes and dreams.”
Police reported finding the student after following the trail of vomit from Chautauqua Hall to the fountain. The freshman began to resist arrest but fell into the fountain in the process, taking one of the officers with him. The student has been charged with underaged drinking, public indecency and resisting arrest.
More information will be released as it becomes available, but take this lesson for the time being: Freshmen, if you ever have to ask if you drank too much, the answer is always “yes.”