MISSY FEOLA
Staff Trumpoonist
Aries
Don’t bother listening to the media this week; it won’t do you any good. Just visit www.donaldjtrump.com for everything that you need to know. You will discover the Aries destiny within this website.
Taurus
Much like Trump, you are stubborn as hell. Use this to your advantage. It is crucial that you stick to your strongly-held belief that Trump should be president. Abandon all other irrelevant opinions — besides this one — this week.
Gemini
All hail the Gemini! This is Donald Trump’s sign. Therefore, you are the superior sign. Your day will be rewarded with unwavering praise from random strangers. Everyone will love you. Soak it all up, Gemini, this week is all about YOU. No one else matters.
Cancer
Some people may approach you with false claims about Bernie Sanders and his plans to “better our country.” Do not trust them. Everything that they say is untrue. Every single one of them is a crazy pathological liar. This is a fact.
Leo
Avoid all women today. If you are one, don’t say anything all week. This will be good for you and everyone around you.
Virgo
Buy a blonde toupée. Wear the most expensive suit that you can afford and a vibrant tie. Walk around and become friends with everyone except for racial minorities. Unless they’re Chinese, of course.
Libra
Nothing you do today will matter in the end. The stars advise that you should, in order to do something worthwhile for once in your life, vote for Donald Trump. This is the only way for you to become significant again.
Scorpio
If my calculations are correct, in the next couple of years, after the deportations, there should be a profoundly lower number of Scorpios in our country. Hillary Clinton is a Scorpio. Hillary Clinton sucks. Therefore, Scorpios suck.
Sagittarius
Good things are coming. More specifically, good things are coming in November of this year. You are the chosen one to spread the words of the fortunes that will be bestowed upon us all, which will come from the hands of a blond, extremely attractive businessman. Tell everyone.
Capricorn
Being rich and successful is not about being smart or skilled. It is from mere luck, or from sleeping your way to the top. Just like Trump does regularly, flaunt what yo mama gave ya, and rely solely on your sex appeal to get what you want this week.
Aquarius
Feeling lost or depressed this week? Take a trip to www.loser.com and all of your worries will disappear. Trust me.
Pisces
Abandon all emotions. What are you, a woman? Stop being such a wuss. Stop being offended by every little thing. Grow thicker skin and take a hit once in awhile. It’ll be good for you.
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