MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Over the weekend, Kim Kardashian made a visit to Sunny’s, Fredonia’s very own infamous bar, for a nude photoshoot.
“We wanted to try a different, creative approach for this photoshoot, and I thought this ‘Sunny’s’ we’ve been hearing about would be the perfect setting,” said Kardashian’s publicist. “I thought wrong. I’ve been fired.”
As Kardashian rolled around on the dance floor of Sunny’s wearing nothing but her birthday suit (with minor enhancements of course), she accidentally caught an STD (Sunny’s Transmitted Disease) from the floor.
“She also used the girl’s bathroom quite a few times,” said a Sunny’s employee. “We don’t clean it regularly and the filth has become part of the ambience of the place. The feces on the walls were actually added as part of the decor.”
Kardashian was less than impressed by Sunny’s filthy interior. She wanted to be out of her element, experiencing how our people live in order to seem more relatable to her fans. However, she now regrets her decision and will be permanently resorting back to her prima donna lifestyle in Calabasas, California.
“Kanye won’t even touch me anymore,” whined Kardashian. “It’s part of the reason why we may be getting a divorce. Sunny’s literally ruined my marriage.”
Despite the catastrophic aftermath of the photo shoot, Kardashian still had some pretty great shots come out of it. One of them was a remake of her nude mirror selfie, the only difference being that there was an unidentified substance smeared on the girl’s bathroom mirror. According to the photographer, though, it made for a very artistic shot.
Unfortunately, Sunny’s will not be shutting down after the debts are paid off to Kardashian. It doesn’t cost much to keep the bar running, so it will continue to be in business. Plus, a lot more people are going to want to go just so that they can catch the same exact STD that their favorite famous-for-no-reason star caught. That’s one way to feel connected to a celebrity.
Kardashian may have actually started a trend in the celebrity world. It has not yet been confirmed, but Blue Ivy might be in Fredonia this month for a photoshoot in the strip club formerly known as Club 35, formerly known as Baby Dolls, now known as Dazzlers.
Keep an eye out for Kardashian’s nude Sunny’s photos. They will be posted around the Fredonia campus. And to anyone who may have a problem with it: Don’t have a problem with it.