THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
In an M. Night Shyamalan style plot twist, Hillary Clinton has announced that she has dropped out of the presidential race, despite being the frontrunner for the democratic nomination.
The shocking announcement came in the form of a live stream from her home in Chappaqua, New York. For the live stream, Clinton was dressed up in her best Saturday night pajamas holding a mug of hot chocolate.
“This may come as a shock to a lot of you, but I am suspending my campaign, effective immediately,” Clinton said, sitting in a cozy chair while wrapped in a blanket. “Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘But Hillary, you were inevitable.’ Well, unfortunately you have the wrong use for the word ‘inevitable.’ I see it now as my campaign is inevitably failing, especially with Sen. Sanders beginning to surge quicker than the Lewinski scandal.
“In case you weren’t aware, I’ve gone by this subliminal attitude that it’s my time, and that I deserve to be president. After some reflection, I have decided that I don’t deserve it. Instead I deserve to live out the rest of my life peacefully with my husband,” Clinton continued.
Clinton’s revelation was met with an uproar on social media by her supporters. Clintonites took to Twitter and Facebook to lash out at whomever would read. Some supporters even took to Tumblr to express how this is all part of the social patriarch that plagues this nation, and exclusively blamed men for Clinton backing down.
“I can’t believe she would just up and leave us like that! Hillary, come back! You’re our only hope! #StillClinton #StopNowForWhat,” tweeted user @LuvClinton2016xD just minutes after Clinton’s announcement.
Despite the massive upset, Clinton is sticking by her word. One user during her live stream asked her what she would do now that she is no longer in the running.
“Well, let me just be clear and say that I know the media has been hinting for me to step down for a long time. I think it was so I could quit while I was ahead,” Clinton said. “But as for my future, maybe I’ll just stay settled down, knit a couple sweaters and sell them on eBay.
“I don’t think I’m done with politics quite yet, however. I’m sure I’ll have more opportunities come my way in the near future. I might even run again in 2020 against Kanye West. Look out, Yeezus! Clinton’s coming for you next,” continued Clinton in a joking manner, as one last attempt to relate to millennials.