PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
On a weekday in Fredonia, there are many things you can engage in for fun. You can watch the “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” head to Sunny’s to drown in cheap drinks, or simply Google search “What has Donald Trump done now?”
As Trump continues to dump his ideas, beliefs and biggest fears onto the American population, the Google searches for “what has Donald Trump done now?” have skyrocketed. According to a recent Republican rally in Nevada, Trump was photographed swapping saliva with his wife Melania in a porta-potty. Supporters argued that this was normal behavior.
“So what if he was making out with her in a porta-potty! My wife and I made a baby in the outhouse her grand daddy built before the Civil War. Our daughter hates us as parents, but we’ll always have those memories!” Randy Lishus screamed. After Randy’s input he accidently fell into a wood chipper, according to his wife Loretta.
The Google search has actually inspired many creative people across the globe. One baker from Brooklyn, New York, uses the internet search for inspiration.
“Looking up ‘what did Trump do now?’ is the perfect vehicle for creative expression. I just happen to present my ideas through gourmet cupcakes. When that bastard said he was going to put up a wall, I responded with a giant wall of cupcakes and urged any and all foreigners to eat it down. They completed the challenge and all overdosed on sugar,” said baker Dorene Da’Duh.
As much as Trump would want the popular search to be about himself, it isn’t. It’s an all-family-inclusive search. Whenever a person wants to know what Donald Trump has been up to, they’ll also figure out what ruckus the rest of the family is making.
“I really regret trying to figure out what he was doing. His son, Donald Trump Jr., looks like a demonic Keebler elf, and I’d personally love to poison his skittles,”said bicyclist and self-proclaimed nice guy Danny J Bookie.
One sinister reveal about Donald Trump’s family is that they attended an all-you-can-eat buffet in West Virginia and actually brought their own tupperware in order to secure food for a later occasion. The buffet happened to be owned by part-time weasel and full-time politician Sen.Ted Cruz.
“They all came smiling in the restaurant with their tupperware in hand. Myself and the rest of the waiting staff gasped as if we had seen a thousand knitting ghosts. Melania was terrifying. She stared at me like a wolf about to pounce on its prey. I cried for hours,” waitress Kathy Clarkson said.
You can never tell what Donald Trump is up to with his family, and what their intentions may be. The Lampoon suggests you call the number 1-800-TRACK-DONALD-4-CASH if you have any details.