PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
A drunk uncle flipped the beer pong table at his niece’s graduation party this past summer. He was flexing his testosterone and booze-fueled strength by exerting maximum force on the table. Now, President Donald Trump is flexing maximum force on the people of the U.S. by establishing new executive orders starting next week. Media outlets confirmed these orders weren’t on fleek.
The first order Trump aims to establish is the Yo Quiero Taco Bell Act. This act stems from Trump’s personal hatred for the Chihuahua population (sources say the hatred might be due to the canine’s link to Mexico). Citizens won’t be allowed to shelter, nurture or even think about Chihuahuas any longer. A small town in Iowa was devastated to hear the news.
“My first puppy was a Chihuahua named Isabella. I just don’t understand what gives, man. We used to throw birthday parties for Isabella. I baked her a cake for a particular birthday bash, and she bit my left pinky finger off. I miss her,” Chihuahua enthusiast Whiskers Wheaton said.
The American people will have to brace for longer hours in the cubicle as Trump is set to establish the Put Your Thing Down Flip It and Reverse It Act, which aims to establish a 12-hour work day with no breaks or lavatory visits. The order, inspired by the hit Missy Elliott song “Work It,” immediately caused grief for people with families and frustration for people trying to catch up with “Shameless” on Netflix.
“I hate work, but I could use the extra money. The bathroom situation isn’t much of a problem because I spend half the time pissing in an Arizona can as it is. Between you and me though, how do you, you know, go number two with minimum smell and mess at your desk? Should I use, like, a plastic bag or maybe a two-liter bottle?” asked JJ Locke, a notable typist for a small bank.
Tension grew in the Oval Office as counselor to Trump Kellyanne Conway showcased anamorphic abilities. Conway morphed into Pinhead from the popular “Hellraiser” movie series and demanded an executive order stating U.S. citizens can only watch movies starring Vin Diesel and Jennifer Grey (post-nose job). The order is set to be devastating to those who enjoy literally any other movies.
“Paul Walker is sexy! I love his smile and those chiseled arms. But Vin Diesel? He looks like potato salad or something. I could give a rat’s ass if he perished in a hang glider accident,” Maria Spizza, a “The Fast and the Furious” viewer, said.
Protests erupted throughout the entire country. Older folks, younger folks and Shia LaBeouf all came together to shine light on the acts that aimed to darken the spirits of U.S. citizens.
“I love to protest. I protested Michael [Bay] when he told me to use less tongue on Megan Fox during the ‘Transformers’ movies, I protested my celebrity status by wearing that brown paper bag and now I’ll protest this nasty jail food they feed me,” LaBeouf said, protesting the new executive orders via Skype chat from county jail.
Psychology aficionados believe the true reason Trump is rapidly issuing executive orders is due to a compensation complex referring to his own hair or, perhaps, his bathing suit area. The world may never know (unless a sex tape is leaked).
Meanwhile, citizens like Wheaton, Locke, Spizza and LaBeouf will continue to protest these heinous orders.