JACLYN SPIEZIA and ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Lampoonist and Special to the Lampoon
UNIVERSITY
Sunday, Feb. 12, 2017
A noise complaint was issued Sunday night, as there was loud screaming in Grissom Hall. An R.A. came to check out the situation and started screaming, too, when they found out that Beyoncé had lost her Grammy to Adele. Another R.A. came to investigate, a die-hard Adele fan, and a fight broke loose in the lobby.
Monday, Feb. 13, 2017
University Police received a report that there was a mysterious backpack sitting in Rockefeller Arts Center with no known owner. The police evacuated RAC to investigate. Upon opening the backpack the police were appalled to find a pair of hideous Ugg boots, a copy of Stephenie Meyers’ “New Moon” and “The Best of Nickelback Vol. 1” album. The police disposed of the hazardous materials immediately.
Milo M. Miloson was found guilty of plagiarism, as their essay had been a word-for-word copy of Mein Kampf written for a creative writing class.
Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2017
Two students were charged with aggressive affection as they made out in Cranston while others were trying to eat. The couple was asked to leave the dining hall but refused, and therefore University Police had to escort the love birds out. They went on to inconsiderately make others feel extremely awkward in the Williams Center.
Wumbert Williams was charged with excessive littering, as he was reported throwing empty water bottles all around campus as part of an “art project.”
Valentine’s Day gifts were reported missing from Nixon Hall, as someone had reportedly broken into all of the dorms on the second floor hallway and taken all of the Valentine’s Day gifts. Seems like this Grinch’s relationship status was just one person too small, huh?
Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2017
A female student was hit by a car on Wednesday afternoon outside Mason Hall. The reported driver, Eliza Thornberrymanelli, was tracked down and was found to be a professor at Fredonia State. When asked why the professor had not stopped, the professor replied, “I was late for class.”
Thursday, Feb. 16, 2017
A student was seen giving out free brownies on campus. The brownies were later found to have contained marijuana. Students had snowball fights, built snowmen and had a good peaceful time. Thirty-five were arrested on charges of internal possession.
Friday, Feb. 17, 2017
Leslie Nope was reportedly blasting Ed Sheeran’s new song in Reed Library. University Police came to escort the student out of the library but ended up having a 12-hour dance party.