ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Lampoonist
A man who was the on the receiving end of a medical miracle awoke after 15 years last week.
Nile List awoke from a coma he sustained after falling victim to a stray bullet that was shot into the air on the Fourth of July, 2002. The damage sustained was thought to be enough to kill him, but somehow he survived and was left in a vegetative state. Nile, however, had no such plans in place for the event he was ever put into a coma.
His family, who knew him well knew that he was a huge fan of the sci-fi show Farscape, and in the show medical technology in the future was so advanced they would be able to heal him, because of this (and because the person who shot the bullet had to pay for the bill), it was decided that he would be kept alive as long as possible.
All hope seemed lost as over a decade had passed, however, until what medical professionals can only describe as an act of God, Nile woke up completely fine and in good health as if nothing had ever happened.
A week is all it seemed to take for him to be caught up on what he has missed and the current state of affairs in this country. What he has seen he apparently does not like either as he has started a Go Fund Me page in order to be put back into a medically induced coma. Legal representation argued that his decision is a result of the brain damage sustained, meaning the same person who shot him would still have to pay for his care after the initial bill for inducing a medical coma was paid for.
“It was a lot to all take in once I woke up. I did my homework, and it was pretty disappointing to realize I missed out on the first black president. I was still pretty optimistic even after I realized gas was no longer $1.75 and that my friends and family had all moved on,” List said in an interview with the Lampoon. “Then I watched my favorite show, ‘Farscape,’ just to realize it was cancelled in the fourth season on a cliffhanger, and they just slapped together an ending for the fans. It should still be running right now!”
The final straw, according to List, came when he decided to look into the current state of political affairs.
“Once I realized that Trump has the emotional and intellectual properties of a four-week-old chimp and that this was the world I had to live in, that’s when I decided I needed to get back into a coma as soon as possible. I mean, I can’t even carry out conversation for more than five minutes without everyone just staring at their phones. When did everyone’s attention spans shrink to that of goldfish?” List said.
Currently List has broken the record for “most funded” GoFundMe page in history, raising $13.2 million for his cause. Most comments on his page are all of support and others telling of their wish to be placed into a medically induced coma as well.
The cost of being placed into a medically induced coma for five days is $2,500, and after that the shooter starts to pay for it again.
With his growing access to money, he is putting $1 million into a bank account for himself, another million to go to a random person who has backed him and the rest of the $11 million is to be donated personally to Sen. Bernie Sanders. He is also going to be put into a coma wearing a Bernie t-shirt that reads “Hindsight is 2020” which is also the year he would like to be woken from his coma.
List’s last words to us before ending the interview were, “I used to care about nothing, then I was put into a coma, and when I woke up things were so bad that a man who literally cared about nothing was forced to say enough is enough. Maybe in the future when I wake up I can come back to a better world and start to feel optimistic about the world and our place in it. Until then I am Nile List, and I will be caring about nothing at all because I will be in a coma and that is much better than living through this shit show, Nile out.”
Nile is scheduled to be put back under on April 1, per his request.