The Scallion - Page 49 of 82 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

“Finals Week” changed to “Exam Week”

Contributor to The LeaderApril 12, 2017

April 12, 2017

EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist Fredonia’s decision to change “Dead Week” to “Study Weeks” caused a mild sensation on campus this past week. The name change apparently stemmed from a desire to take a negative connotation away from the week that takes place before Finals Week, a time that......

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In retirement, Undertaker finds comfort in gardening: The darkness succumbs to the light

Contributor to The LeaderApril 12, 2017

April 12, 2017

PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist Weighing in at 300 lbs and a towering height of 6 feet 10 inches, WWE’s token weird uncle, The Undertaker, has finally traded in his leather pants for gardening gloves. Since The Undertaker retired from the WWE during the entertainment cash-grab that was “WrestleMania......

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Golf course to be installed behind White House

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017August 25, 2019

April 5, 2017August 25, 2019

EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist In an apparent attempt to make being the President of the United States more exciting, Donald Trump has ordered the installation of a golf course behind the White House. Construction on the 18-hole golf course is set to begin sometime in the......

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Police Notter

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017

April 5, 2017

PATRICE DOLLAR SIGNS Staff Lampoonist Sunday, March 26, 2017 4 p.m. The tumultuous noise of pop-punk was heard blaring out of a student’s car. A ticket of $1 million was issued. The perpetrator will see their day in court. 6:30 p.m. A man......

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GameStop to rip you off more to compensate for store closings

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017

April 5, 2017

ALBERTO GONZALEZ & CONNOR MAUCHE Staff Lampoonist & Special to the Lampoon GameStop, also known as the Blockbuster of games, closed around 150 stores in an attempt to stem the financial bloodbath that is their business. We reached out to Aron Ralston to get first hand......

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Police Notter

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

ZOE KIRIAZIS Guest Lampoonist Sunday, March 5, 2017 A noise complaint was made in Eisenhower Hall at 7:42 p.m. after three large thuds were heard on the second floor. An R.A came to investigate the noise and discovered a resident who was repeatedly throwing their......

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Video surveillance shows Obama tap dancing on Trump’s landline

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017September 9, 2019

March 29, 2017September 9, 2019

JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist Multiple citizens reportedly saw a man tap dancing on one of President Donald Trump’s landlines the other morning. After reviewing video surveillance, it has been discovered that the very man tapping his toes on Trump’s wire was former President Barack Obama.......

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Man requests to be put back into coma after awakening in 2017

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

ALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist A man who was the on the receiving end of a medical miracle awoke after 15 years last week. Nile List awoke from a coma he sustained after falling victim to a stray bullet that was shot into the air on the Fourth......

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NASA announces plans to convert flat earthers: Is Earth really round?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist There are many things that are flat: a garlic and herb Triscuit cracker, a tabletop and a frat member’s head after his bro hits him with a sledgehammer during a 5-day bender. Now, according to top science officials including Shaquille O’Neal, B.O.B.......

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Compulsive shoppers sacrifice going to Dollar Tree

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist The Lampoon stopped by an ordinary residential street this week to investigate a small protest that broke out in front of one of the houses. The owners of the house are Prissy and Chip McShopperson, self-proclaimed compulsive shoppers whose many purchases have overflowed......

From the Desk of Chloe Kowalyk: Editor in Chief

From the Desk of EJ Jacobs: Life & Arts Editor

From the Desk of Jace Jacobs: Asst. Scallion Editor

From the Desk of Nicole Thorson: Art Director

From the Desk of Henry Domst: Design Editor

From the Desk of Sierra Mills: Chief Copy Editor

[SATIRE] An interview with The Bachelor’s winner, Henry Domst

[OPINION] What COVID-19 inadvertently taught us

ITS unveils stratigic plan for technology

Dr. Kathryn Kendall takes on enrollment

“Finals Week” changed to “Exam Week”

In retirement, Undertaker finds comfort in gardening: The darkness succumbs to the light

Golf course to be installed behind White House

Police Notter

GameStop to rip you off more to compensate for store closings

Police Notter

Video surveillance shows Obama tap dancing on Trump’s landline

Man requests to be put back into coma after awakening in 2017

NASA announces plans to convert flat earthers: Is Earth really round?

Compulsive shoppers sacrifice going to Dollar Tree