Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Red flags

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 4, 2022March 4, 2022

March 4, 2022March 4, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hey, Horoscope fiends. I got what everyone’s been looking forward to this week: THE RED FLAGS OF EACH SIGN! Aries: You don’t clean your emotional support water bottle as often as you should. However, you think that the crusty dusty elements of an unclean emotional support water......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How to make friends

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 14, 2022February 14, 2022

February 14, 2022February 14, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I will be providing an instructional guide about how to finally make friends. Aries: Get into NFTs, but in an ironic way. Fake it on Twitter so you can gather a bunch of NFT bro followers, then right-click-save their profile pictures and threaten them......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderDecember 12, 2021December 12, 2021

December 12, 2021December 12, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I’m going to tell you how you should prepare for finals. Aries: skim over everything posted on oncourse and if your class doesn’t have any oncourse posts, just improv it Taurus: create an incredibly believable story (example: my laptop was thrown into the refrigerator,......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What leftover candy gives off the same vibe as your sign?

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 15, 2021November 15, 2021

November 15, 2021November 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Editor of the Scallion and Confectionery Connoisseur Aries: You give off big Milky Way energy. You have a tendency to approach things in your life very head-on, and that’s fine, but some will be taken aback by your straightforwardness. Taurus: Alright, now this is interesting! You’re off the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes (10.19.2021)

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 29, 2021October 29, 2021

October 29, 2021October 29, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hi guys this is my first time writing horoscopes so please be kind. However you must BE AWARE. I know a lot. How close the signs are to losing their marbles this week and what you can do to prevent it: Aries: not close to losing your......

Scallion

Contributor to The LeaderMay 10, 2021May 9, 2021

May 10, 2021May 9, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag the signs as stuff in fredonia aries: Sunny’s taurus: strawberry lemonade from Starbucks gemini: Uppercrust cancer: Reed Library leo: the clock tower virgo: Canadaway Street libra: overpriced sweatshirt at the bookstore scorpio: Muldoon’s sagittarius: Tuscany capricorn: the F in Fredonia that got stolen that one time ......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Leader AdSenseApril 26, 2021April 26, 2021

April 26, 2021April 26, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag How the signs spend their mental health days aries: definitely not the homework they’ve been meaning to do since week 2 taurus: listening to chug jug with you 12 hour version gemini: playing modded minecraft for the entire day, only stopping to piss and eat pizza......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderApril 4, 2021April 4, 2021

April 4, 2021April 4, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM God of the Ocean (I still don’t know the order, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask, so here we go) VIRGO: You’ve got a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders. Take a minute to stretch your muscles a little. TAURUS: I’d like you......

Scallion

Horoscopes, special edition: Scallywag Brian Cecala’s old Facebook photos

Contributor to The LeaderApril 3, 2021March 30, 2021

April 3, 2021March 30, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn Aquarius Pisces...

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 28, 2021March 28, 2021

March 28, 2021March 28, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Astrology amateur and general party-pooper **DISCLAIMER** — I do not know much about astrology, so these will be out of order. If you could, print them in this order. I think it’ll be funny. Libra: You’re gonna want to avoid eating any fish items this week. I......

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Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Red flags

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How to make friends

[SATIRE] Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What leftover candy gives off the same vibe as your sign?

[SATIRE] Horoscopes (10.19.2021)

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Horoscopes, special edition: Scallywag Brian Cecala’s old Facebook photos

Horoscopes