Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: The signs as back to school things

Alyssa BumpSeptember 10, 2022September 10, 2022

September 10, 2022September 10, 2022

ALYSSA BUMP Editor in Chief Which back to school thing are you based on your astrological sign? Aries: Post-It notes for your so-called to-do lists. Taurus: A green apple smelly pencil that loses its scent in 24 hours. You disgust me. Gemini: A Jansport backpack to hide all of your......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which SUNY Fredonia building are you?

Contributor to The LeaderJuly 20, 2022July 20, 2022

July 20, 2022July 20, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hey, incoming students! You’re here because you’re pretty cool. So, I’m making this Scallion article JUST for you (not because Matt asked me to). Welcome to Horoscopes! Aries: McEwen Hall, because everyone loves your reliability. <3 Taurus: Grissom Hall, because you’re loveable at first, but then people......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes as random stuff happening in the news right now

Contributor to The LeaderMay 5, 2022May 4, 2022

May 5, 2022May 4, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag This is the signs as all the random stuff happening in the news right now! Aries: Casual wildfires happening Taurus: Going back and forth between freezing weather and almost 80 degrees Gemini: Lorde shushing the audience because she wants to have the solo Cancer: The Met Gala......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Predicting how your week is gonna go

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 30, 2022March 29, 2022

March 30, 2022March 29, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome back to your favorite article series ever. I’m here to do a classic: predict how your week is gonna go. Aries: It’s your time to shine, Aries, and you know it! The winds are beckoning you. You’re gonna spend some well-deserved time outside, probably near the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Spring break edition

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 9, 2022March 9, 2022

March 9, 2022March 9, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hello, my friends! I’m bringing to you some advice to each sign about what to do over spring break — if you have no plans, of course. Aries: Set fires in Mason while no one’s there. (DON’T DO THIS. THIS IS SATIRE.) Taurus: Go home and learn......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Red flags

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 4, 2022March 4, 2022

March 4, 2022March 4, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hey, Horoscope fiends. I got what everyone’s been looking forward to this week: THE RED FLAGS OF EACH SIGN! Aries: You don’t clean your emotional support water bottle as often as you should. However, you think that the crusty dusty elements of an unclean emotional support water......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How to make friends

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 14, 2022February 14, 2022

February 14, 2022February 14, 2022

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I will be providing an instructional guide about how to finally make friends. Aries: Get into NFTs, but in an ironic way. Fake it on Twitter so you can gather a bunch of NFT bro followers, then right-click-save their profile pictures and threaten them......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderDecember 12, 2021December 12, 2021

December 12, 2021December 12, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I’m going to tell you how you should prepare for finals. Aries: skim over everything posted on oncourse and if your class doesn’t have any oncourse posts, just improv it Taurus: create an incredibly believable story (example: my laptop was thrown into the refrigerator,......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What leftover candy gives off the same vibe as your sign?

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 15, 2021November 15, 2021

November 15, 2021November 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Editor of the Scallion and Confectionery Connoisseur Aries: You give off big Milky Way energy. You have a tendency to approach things in your life very head-on, and that’s fine, but some will be taken aback by your straightforwardness. Taurus: Alright, now this is interesting! You’re off the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes (10.19.2021)

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 29, 2021October 29, 2021

October 29, 2021October 29, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hi guys this is my first time writing horoscopes so please be kind. However you must BE AWARE. I know a lot. How close the signs are to losing their marbles this week and what you can do to prevent it: Aries: not close to losing your......

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[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Life lessons from the signs

Why are fewer classes being offered?

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: The signs as back to school things

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which SUNY Fredonia building are you?

[SATIRE] Horoscopes as random stuff happening in the news right now

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Predicting how your week is gonna go

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Spring break edition

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Red flags

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How to make friends

[SATIRE] Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What leftover candy gives off the same vibe as your sign?

[SATIRE] Horoscopes (10.19.2021)