Horoscopes

Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM God of the Ocean (I still don’t know the order, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask, so here we go) VIRGO: You’ve got a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders. Take a minute to stretch your muscles a little.  TAURUS: I’d like you......

Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Astrology amateur and general party-pooper **DISCLAIMER**   — I do not know much about astrology, so these will be out of order. If you could, print them in this order. I think it’ll be funny.  Libra: You’re gonna want to avoid eating any fish items this week. I......

Reading Time: 5 minutesHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: fart fart fart you little gassy fart muncher! you little fart baby. farty fart fart. you love big farts, small farts, even poopy farts! whenever you feel the need to pass gas, you’re like, hell yeah i’ll fart right now! i bet you have a......

Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag the signs in one word or less aries: moist taurus: bug gemini: beanz  cancer: maldives leo: angry virgo: lightswitch libra: pretty  scorpio: FIRE!!!!! sagittarius: lamp capricorn: what? aquarius: hat pisces: orange...

Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag  aries: f*ckin’ uh i don’t know taurus: ur like a little f*ckin’ turtle gemini: underrated air sign we love u gemini babies cancer: cry baby oooo whatcha gonna do f*ckin’ cry about it? leo: why don’t you un-repress your emotions and then we can talk about......

Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: f*ckin’ uh i don’t know taurus: ur like a little f*ckin’ turtle gemini: underrated air sign we love u gemini babies cancer: cry baby oooo whatcha gonna do f*ckin’ cry about it? leo: why don’t you un-repress your emotions and then we can talk about......

Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Guess what everyone! This is my 10th time writing the horoscopes!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!! In honor of this MOMENTOUS occasion, I have decided to read literally every Scallion article written in 2020 and choose one for each sign!!!!!!!!!! Isn’t that fun???????? Also it means I get to do......

Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag  Aries: You will become complacent these next 4 years. <3 Taurus: Stop being mean to your hot gamer gf. :/ Gemini: You’re boolin. Everything will stay the same. 🙂 Cancer: You will get a 4 for 4 this week. At the red-head girl place. Leo: Someone......

Reading Time: 2 minutesHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Aries: have a glass of wine aries, you deserve it!! unless you are not of age. if you’re not 21, then you deserve tap water. sorry, i don’t make the rules. i just enforce them. Taurus: i bet you were one of the kids who sent......