HANNAH BLIDY
Staff Scallywag
This week, we have a special edition of the horoscopes. These are the people that each of the signs would vote for.
Aries: You will not be voting at all because you’re pissed off at the establishment.
Taurus: You will be writing in Elizabeth Warren, because equality. <3
Gemini: Jo Jorgensen, because tHeReS mOrE oPtIoNs ThAn DeMoCrAt Or RePuBlIcAn.
Cancer: You don’t know who you’re voting for yet, you’re waiting to see what the full moon tells you to do.
Leo: You’re writing in Harambe, just like you did in 2016.
Virgo: Howie Hawkins. Honestly, you have no idea who he is, but you’re voting for him to be nice.
Libra: You won’t be voting for president, but you will be voting in local elections, because that’s what matters.
Scorpio: Normally, you’d vote Republican. But this year, you’re voting for Joe Biden.
Sagittarius: You’re writing in Pete Buttigieg, because equality. <3
Capricorn: Kanye. Because Kanye.
Aquarius: Donald Trump, because you know more about wind than anyone.
Pisces: You’re writing in Bernie Sanders even after he told you not to do that.