Satire

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 12, 2021March 12, 2021

March 12, 2021March 12, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag We all know that COVID-19 changed basically everything in our life, especially for those of us who live on campus. There were many problems originally, like people being loud during quiet hours (I know my neighbors probably aren’t reading this but God I wish they were), the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Conservative convention planners shape floor layout into a Hindu symbol of prosperity

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 10, 2021March 8, 2021

March 10, 2021March 8, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor Once again, the whiners that are so prevalent in the liberal media have caused a stink over something that’s harmless and even inspiring, all for the sake of cancelling conservative values in the U.S. The beloved super-Pac People for the Corporations had planned a conservative convention......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 7, 2021March 7, 2021

March 7, 2021March 7, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: f*ckin’ uh i don’t know taurus: ur like a little f*ckin’ turtle gemini: underrated air sign we love u gemini babies cancer: cry baby oooo whatcha gonna do f*ckin’ cry about it? leo: why don’t you un-repress your emotions and then we can talk about......

Scallion

The worst civil tragedy to happen in the U.S.: Getting rid of the Starbucks everything bagel bites

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2021March 5, 2021

March 5, 2021March 5, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag When I got back to Fredonia, I knew the first thing I wanted to do was order some everything bagel bites from Starbucks because they absolutely slap. I think we can all agree on at least that much, unless you’re gluten intolerant or something. Sorry. However, when......

Scallion

So, you wanna get ready for “WandaVision?”

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 4, 2021March 4, 2021

March 4, 2021March 4, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag So you wanna get ready and watch “WandaVision” like the other hip cool guys? But you haven’t watched all the Marvel movies that lead up to it. Well, don’t worry, we here at The Scallion gotcha covered! I watched every single Marvel movie in order to......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 1, 2021March 1, 2021

March 1, 2021March 1, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: f*ckin’ uh i don’t know taurus: ur like a little f*ckin’ turtle gemini: underrated air sign we love u gemini babies cancer: cry baby oooo whatcha gonna do f*ckin’ cry about it? leo: why don’t you un-repress your emotions and then we can talk about......

Scallion

For one last time: I am the editor of The Scallion, and I have really long legs now

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 1, 2021March 1, 2021

March 1, 2021March 1, 2021

JOSEPH MARCINIAK Retired Editor of The Scallion Well folks, this is it: my last article as editor. After much thought, I have decided to take my extended legs and take them home, since I am retiring. I have claimed my pension, and all my benefits. I, Joseph Marciniak, humble servant......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Can you hold a hand and be mean at the same time? An analysis

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 27, 2021February 24, 2021

February 27, 2021February 24, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag As I was thinking about what to do for this article, I realized that I talk big game about hand holding. It’s a fun activity that anyone can participate in. I figured it appeals to the mass audience. However, I realize there are some people out there......

Scallion

Heartwarming! A shrimp really did fry this rice

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 25, 2021February 24, 2021

February 25, 2021February 24, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag By all known laws of biology, a shrimp should not have the ability to fry rice. Yet when I heard rumors around the campus of not one, but multiple local establishments selling shrimp fried rice I knew I had to get the scoop. What I was......

Scallion

Turns out, nobody liked my Super Bowl halftime show idea from last year

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 23, 2021February 23, 2021

February 23, 2021February 23, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor Well, another football season has come and gone. While fans across the country cheered, families remarked about the sub-par commercials this year and Tom Brady has once again managed to make more money than I will ever have in the span of nine months. With......

From the Desk of Chloe Kowalyk: Editor in Chief

From the Desk of EJ Jacobs: Life & Arts Editor

From the Desk of Jace Jacobs: Asst. Scallion Editor

From the Desk of Nicole Thorson: Art Director

From the Desk of Henry Domst: Design Editor

From the Desk of Sierra Mills: Chief Copy Editor

[SATIRE] An interview with The Bachelor’s winner, Henry Domst

[OPINION] What COVID-19 inadvertently taught us

ITS unveils stratigic plan for technology

Dr. Kathryn Kendall takes on enrollment

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

[SATIRE] Conservative convention planners shape floor layout into a Hindu symbol of prosperity

Horoscopes

The worst civil tragedy to happen in the U.S.: Getting rid of the Starbucks everything bagel bites

So, you wanna get ready for “WandaVision?”

Horoscopes

For one last time: I am the editor of The Scallion, and I have really long legs now

[SATIRE] Can you hold a hand and be mean at the same time? An analysis

Heartwarming! A shrimp really did fry this rice

Turns out, nobody liked my Super Bowl halftime show idea from last year