Satire

[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 25, 2021March 23, 2021

March 25, 2021March 23, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag In October of the year 2019, I went to a party. It was absolutely bonkers — I watched someone dressed up as the “stonks” guy vaping and a fake Belle Delphine carrying around mason jars of “bath water” Everclear. However, the best thing I had seen that......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2021March 22, 2021

March 22, 2021March 22, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: fart fart fart you little gassy fart muncher! you little fart baby. farty fart fart. you love big farts, small farts, even poopy farts! whenever you feel the need to pass gas, you’re like, hell yeah i’ll fart right now! i bet you have a......

Scallion

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 21, 2021March 15, 2021

March 21, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor That’s right. Joe Marciniak, local strongman and former editor of the Scallion, has been dethroned. It is I, Matthew Baum, who wears the noble title of Editor nowadays, and I am taking my newfound power very seriously. My first order of business was to erect a......

Scallion

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 18, 2021March 15, 2021

March 18, 2021March 15, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag Recent reports around the campus have students worried. Sightings of a “demon-esque” figure crawling around on all fours on campus. Some say if you let it get too close, he’ll tickle you. Thus he has been dubbed “The Tickler.” I interviewed students who have claimed sightings......

Scallion

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 15, 2021March 15, 2021

March 15, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor and Pi Day Enthusiast Tragedy struck the other night as Vernon Crompton, a native to the Fredonia area and alumnus of the class of 2017, was placed in permanent care after setting himself into a food coma. Crompton, 26, has been known as an avid fan......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2021March 13, 2021

March 13, 2021March 13, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag the signs in one word or less aries: moist taurus: bug gemini: beanz cancer: maldives leo: angry virgo: lightswitch libra: pretty scorpio: FIRE!!!!! sagittarius: lamp capricorn: what? aquarius: hat pisces: orange...

Scallion

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 12, 2021March 12, 2021

March 12, 2021March 12, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag We all know that COVID-19 changed basically everything in our life, especially for those of us who live on campus. There were many problems originally, like people being loud during quiet hours (I know my neighbors probably aren’t reading this but God I wish they were), the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Conservative convention planners shape floor layout into a Hindu symbol of prosperity

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 10, 2021March 8, 2021

March 10, 2021March 8, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor Once again, the whiners that are so prevalent in the liberal media have caused a stink over something that’s harmless and even inspiring, all for the sake of cancelling conservative values in the U.S. The beloved super-Pac People for the Corporations had planned a conservative convention......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 7, 2021March 7, 2021

March 7, 2021March 7, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: f*ckin’ uh i don’t know taurus: ur like a little f*ckin’ turtle gemini: underrated air sign we love u gemini babies cancer: cry baby oooo whatcha gonna do f*ckin’ cry about it? leo: why don’t you un-repress your emotions and then we can talk about......

Scallion

The worst civil tragedy to happen in the U.S.: Getting rid of the Starbucks everything bagel bites

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2021March 5, 2021

March 5, 2021March 5, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag When I got back to Fredonia, I knew the first thing I wanted to do was order some everything bagel bites from Starbucks because they absolutely slap. I think we can all agree on at least that much, unless you’re gluten intolerant or something. Sorry. However, when......

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[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Horoscopes

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Horoscopes

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

[SATIRE] Conservative convention planners shape floor layout into a Hindu symbol of prosperity

Horoscopes

The worst civil tragedy to happen in the U.S.: Getting rid of the Starbucks everything bagel bites