Satire

Wow, Hannah’s writing a real article for once? I didn’t even know that was possible.

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 30, 2021March 30, 2021

March 30, 2021March 30, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Yes, you read that title correctly. No horoscopes for me this week. They were hijacked from me by other members of the Scallywag crew. I’m so upset that I just started writing this article so that maybe they’ll give them back to me. Please guys, I......

Scallion

[SATIRE] The true source of the dog food smell on campus

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2021March 30, 2021

March 29, 2021March 30, 2021

CHLOE KOWALYK Staff Writer Ah yes, the weather is warming up and we can finally go outside. Fredonia students fill the campus, laying out picnic blankets and going on walks with their friends. The semester is more than halfway through, and everything is looking up. That is until… **Sniff Sniff**......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 28, 2021March 28, 2021

March 28, 2021March 28, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Astrology amateur and general party-pooper **DISCLAIMER** — I do not know much about astrology, so these will be out of order. If you could, print them in this order. I think it’ll be funny. Libra: You’re gonna want to avoid eating any fish items this week. I......

Scallion

[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 25, 2021March 23, 2021

March 25, 2021March 23, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag In October of the year 2019, I went to a party. It was absolutely bonkers — I watched someone dressed up as the “stonks” guy vaping and a fake Belle Delphine carrying around mason jars of “bath water” Everclear. However, the best thing I had seen that......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2021March 22, 2021

March 22, 2021March 22, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: fart fart fart you little gassy fart muncher! you little fart baby. farty fart fart. you love big farts, small farts, even poopy farts! whenever you feel the need to pass gas, you’re like, hell yeah i’ll fart right now! i bet you have a......

Scallion

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 21, 2021March 15, 2021

March 21, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor That’s right. Joe Marciniak, local strongman and former editor of the Scallion, has been dethroned. It is I, Matthew Baum, who wears the noble title of Editor nowadays, and I am taking my newfound power very seriously. My first order of business was to erect a......

Scallion

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 18, 2021March 15, 2021

March 18, 2021March 15, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag Recent reports around the campus have students worried. Sightings of a “demon-esque” figure crawling around on all fours on campus. Some say if you let it get too close, he’ll tickle you. Thus he has been dubbed “The Tickler.” I interviewed students who have claimed sightings......

Scallion

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 15, 2021March 15, 2021

March 15, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor and Pi Day Enthusiast Tragedy struck the other night as Vernon Crompton, a native to the Fredonia area and alumnus of the class of 2017, was placed in permanent care after setting himself into a food coma. Crompton, 26, has been known as an avid fan......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2021March 13, 2021

March 13, 2021March 13, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag the signs in one word or less aries: moist taurus: bug gemini: beanz cancer: maldives leo: angry virgo: lightswitch libra: pretty scorpio: FIRE!!!!! sagittarius: lamp capricorn: what? aquarius: hat pisces: orange...

Scallion

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 12, 2021March 12, 2021

March 12, 2021March 12, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag We all know that COVID-19 changed basically everything in our life, especially for those of us who live on campus. There were many problems originally, like people being loud during quiet hours (I know my neighbors probably aren’t reading this but God I wish they were), the......

Buffalo Bandits look to snatch third straight title

Why do gamers play games they hate?

Campus Life and Student Affairs unveil policy regulating on-campus assemblies

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What to get each sign

Holding space for the new Wicked movie: A review

[SATIRE] I hate Kia Souls

Why Dunkin’ Donuts is better than Tim Hortons, from the…

Apple Music vs. Spotify, coming from a person who has…

Abbie’s Thanksgiving food tier list

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How do you rank?

Wow, Hannah’s writing a real article for once? I didn’t even know that was possible.

[SATIRE] The true source of the dog food smell on campus

Horoscopes

[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Horoscopes

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Horoscopes

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe