Satire

Horoscopes: The signs as Scallion articles

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 21, 2021February 21, 2021

February 21, 2021February 21, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Guess what everyone! This is my 10th time writing the horoscopes!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!! In honor of this MOMENTOUS occasion, I have decided to read literally every Scallion article written in 2020 and choose one for each sign!!!!!!!!!! Isn’t that fun???????? Also it means I get to do......

Scallion

[SATIRE] How to make friends with the coronavirus, a step-by-step guide

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 18, 2021May 4, 2021

February 18, 2021May 4, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Over the winter break, I’ve had time to think about my friends — who is a real friend, who wants to be my friend and who needs a friend. The more I think about it, the more I realize some people are very lonely and that hurts......

Scallion

Kayne can still win the election! Don’t give up!

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 17, 2021February 17, 2021

February 17, 2021February 17, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag You IDIOTS did it again, huh? You squandered the election to some idiots. The two party system fails the will of the people. Polls showed that over 90 percent of Americans wanted Kanye West for the presidency. Before you fake-news fans say it — yes, that......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 16, 2020November 16, 2020

November 16, 2020November 16, 2020

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Aries: You will become complacent these next 4 years. <3 Taurus: Stop being mean to your hot gamer gf. :/ Gemini: You’re boolin. Everything will stay the same. 🙂 Cancer: You will get a 4 for 4 this week. At the red-head girl place. Leo: Someone......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Ranking the Supreme Court’s fashion sense

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 16, 2020November 15, 2020

November 16, 2020November 15, 2020

JAY BYRONGuest Scallywag Uh oh! Fashion police! You read the title. Buckle up, fashionistas. We are going hard today on these current Supreme Court members to do the judging they need done for them. For the purposes of this article, I will pretend not to really know them well. Everyone’s......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Exclusive interview with the guy who has Hunter Biden’s laptop

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 14, 2020December 4, 2023

November 14, 2020December 4, 2023

BRIAN CECALA Guest Scallywag The Laptop that’s been the center of controversy for one week, which at the current pace of politics today is long gone dead news, has been brought to Fredonia where the world’s leading intellectuals could examine it’s contents. Conservatives talking heads have warned their viewers of......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 8, 2020November 8, 2020

November 8, 2020November 8, 2020

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Aries: have a glass of wine aries, you deserve it!! unless you are not of age. if you’re not 21, then you deserve tap water. sorry, i don’t make the rules. i just enforce them. Taurus: i bet you were one of the kids who sent......

Scallion

Rating how much I want to hold the hands of the Willy C’s screen silhouettes

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 7, 2020November 7, 2020

November 7, 2020November 7, 2020

JAY BYRONGuest Scallywag You know as well as I do how good hand-holding is, unless you’ve never held anyone’s hand. You live a sad life. I would offer my hand, but it’s COVID-19 time and I don’t really wanna touch you. I also don’t know who you are. Hand-holding is......

Scallion

We gamers are SICK of politics in our entertainment

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 5, 2020November 5, 2020

November 5, 2020November 5, 2020

BRIAN CECALA Guest Scallywag What’s up gamers! It’s me, ya boy FazeSmoothie, here back at ya for another hot take. STOP PUTTING POLITICS INTO OUR ENTERTAINMENT. Sheesh, I’m trying to relax over here. It all started when my favorite war game, Kill Gun, came out with a sequel, Kill Gun......

Scallion

Hot damn, he was right: Joe Biden actually is a bunch of ferrets in a trench coat

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 5, 2020November 5, 2020

November 5, 2020November 5, 2020

MATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor As shocking as it is, one of Donald Trump’s conspiracy theories has been proven true. Democratic candidate Joe Biden is not a man, but instead a hard-working group of ferrets imitating the former vice president. This has come as a shock to the international community,......

From the Desk of Chloe Kowalyk: Editor in Chief

From the Desk of EJ Jacobs: Life & Arts Editor

From the Desk of Jace Jacobs: Asst. Scallion Editor

From the Desk of Nicole Thorson: Art Director

From the Desk of Henry Domst: Design Editor

From the Desk of Sierra Mills: Chief Copy Editor

[SATIRE] An interview with The Bachelor’s winner, Henry Domst

[OPINION] What COVID-19 inadvertently taught us

ITS unveils stratigic plan for technology

Dr. Kathryn Kendall takes on enrollment

Horoscopes: The signs as Scallion articles

[SATIRE] How to make friends with the coronavirus, a step-by-step guide

Kayne can still win the election! Don’t give up!

Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Ranking the Supreme Court’s fashion sense

[SATIRE] Exclusive interview with the guy who has Hunter Biden’s laptop

Horoscopes

Rating how much I want to hold the hands of the Willy C’s screen silhouettes

We gamers are SICK of politics in our entertainment

Hot damn, he was right: Joe Biden actually is a bunch of ferrets in a trench coat