Satire

Local English major starting to wonder when he’ll be good at writing

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 7, 2020October 7, 2020

October 7, 2020October 7, 2020

JOSEPH MARCINIAK Scallion Editor A local English student, Paul Crendal, has begun to wonder when his “good writing skills” will kick in, latest reports say. According to eyewitness reports, Crendal struggled to come up with even one solid opening sentence for his creative writing class while working in the library.......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Apple unveils new Water, Earth and Fire properties

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 3, 2020October 3, 2020

October 3, 2020October 3, 2020

MATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor On Sept. 15, Apple unveiled the new generation of iPad, the newly-upgraded iPad Air. Tech nerds and Steve Jobs fanboys around the world were blown away by the initial announcement, but they failed to hear the more life-changing announcement that immediately followed it. It had......

Scallion

Hey anime, I’m straight! Got that?

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 28, 2020September 28, 2020

September 28, 2020September 28, 2020

BRIAN CECALA Guest Scallywag Listen here, whoever it is designs the anime characters: I AM STRAIGHT! So stop making your characters these hot twinky boys, capeesh? Stop pushing your far left agenda to make me attracted to men. Yes, I find your characters extremely attractive but that’s because you keep......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 28, 2020September 28, 2020

September 28, 2020September 28, 2020

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – you, this week. taurus: ok so are you going to send aquarius the homework for math 115 or what… gemini: wow, you’ve got a lot of people in your tinder dm’s for someone who’s supposed to be quarantining. cancer: i’m sensing some chaotic......

Scallion

Trump says Biden is a bunch of ferrets in a trench coat

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 24, 2020May 4, 2021

September 24, 2020May 4, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor Once again, Donald Trump has been convinced of an out-of-this-world conspiracy theory that he found on social media. In a recent flurry of tweets, the president makes it clear that he is under the impression that vice president Joe Biden, the 2020 democratic candidate, is......

Scallion

Reanimated rotting bodies of the 32nd Massachusetts of 1864 beat the shit out of Donald Trump

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 17, 2020September 17, 2020

September 17, 2020September 17, 2020

MATTHEW BAUM Assistant Scallion Editor In a bizarre twist of fate, President Donald Trump was attacked by the reanimated corpses of a long-dead group of American Union soldiers from the Civil War. The corpses in question were members of the 32nd Massachusetts Infantry Unit, who served under the also-dead Colonel......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Top five criminal activities available to you this fall

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 16, 2020September 17, 2020

September 16, 2020September 17, 2020

THALIA MAGISTRO Staff Scallywag Sometimes the desperate need to commit heinous crimes on campus comes to you. I get it. Filthy criminals like you don’t stop, and why should you? That’s why I’ve compiled a list, in no particular order, of the top five ways you can get put in......

From the Desk of Chloe Kowalyk: Editor in Chief

From the Desk of EJ Jacobs: Life & Arts Editor

From the Desk of Jace Jacobs: Asst. Scallion Editor

From the Desk of Nicole Thorson: Art Director

From the Desk of Henry Domst: Design Editor

From the Desk of Sierra Mills: Chief Copy Editor

[SATIRE] An interview with The Bachelor’s winner, Henry Domst

[OPINION] What COVID-19 inadvertently taught us

ITS unveils stratigic plan for technology

Dr. Kathryn Kendall takes on enrollment

Local English major starting to wonder when he’ll be good at writing

[SATIRE] Apple unveils new Water, Earth and Fire properties

Hey anime, I’m straight! Got that?

Horoscopes

Trump says Biden is a bunch of ferrets in a trench coat

Reanimated rotting bodies of the 32nd Massachusetts of 1864 beat the shit out of Donald Trump

[SATIRE] Top five criminal activities available to you this fall