Satire
[SATIRE] Who will be the next U.S. Senator?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Ding dong, Dianne Feinstein is dead! Dianne Feinstein, the 90-year-old former senator, passed away on Sept. 23, 2023 and people fought for her spot on the Senate. Even though Laphonza Butler acquired the spot, she does not intend to permanently fill it. Thus, an opportunity arises. ......
[SATIRE] Quiz: Which nostalgic computer game are you?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor I’m gonna be honest with y’all, I’ve been really sad recently. Sh*t just happens and you feel like you’re not slaying the haus down boots queen wig like you really want to. When that happens, I play Wizard 101. What game should you play? Take this......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What skeleton are you?
JACE JACOBSAssistant Editor of The Scallion, Amateur Skeleton Wrangler Happy spooky season Fredheads (I know spooky season is an outdated phrase but I’m allowed to use it, I keep my Halloween decorations up year-round so you can’t judge me)! I have discovered a recent passion of mine, and that is......
[SATIRE]: Lauren Boebert … Maybe don’t do that.
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor and Theater Nerd Hey Girly Pop! I’m so happy you decided to either randomly pick up this student-run newspaper from a state you’re not even in or search “Lauren Boebert Leader” on Google only to find this! I wanted to reach out and ask about your......
[SATIRE] What 2024 presidential candidate will win in the race? (the 100m dash)
HUNTER HALTERMAN Track Star* Contrary to popular belief, presidential candidates should not be judged on how well they can run our country. Instead, they should be judged on how well they can run a 100-meter dash. It is 100 meters of not just sprinting, but also courage, determination and willpower.......
[SATIRE] Top 10 Reasons Why My Dad Should Be President
JACE JACOBS Assistant Scallion Editor Photo By TARA WINSTEAD | Provided by Pexels Election season is quickly approaching, and I thought it would benefit the public to know why I feel my father would be the best choice for president of the United States. (PS. Please don’t tell him I......
[SATIRE] QUIZ: Does Your Crush Like You Back?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Graphic by KAROLINA GRABOWSKA | Courtesy of Pexels In my humble editor’s opinion, you really shouldn’t date in college because college people are icky, but if you REALLY want to know if your crush likes you, I suggest taking this quiz! Question #1: What is your......