Satire
[Scallion]: Jace’s Mom speaks out: An op-ed for The Scallion
RUTH JACOBS Guest Scallywag, Jace’s Mom Dearest Gentle Readers, This is an op-ed by the mother of your assistant editor of the Scallion, Mr. Jace Jacobs. First, I would like to defend myself and tell you all that I am a loving and devoted mother to my children, regardless of......
[SATIRE] SUNY Unveils Bold New Strategy to Prepare Students for the Real World
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor In a stunning move that has left students scratching their heads and faculty members questioning their life choices, SUNY has announced a revolutionary plan to overhaul its educational system. Brace yourselves, folks, because SUNY is cutting all programs, effectively transforming itself into a “Program-Free Zone.” In......
[SATIRE] My apologies … (not clickbait)
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor *sigh* I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment. On November 23, I made a horrible mistake. At around 2:30 p.m. EST, my grandfather entrusted me with the most sacred part of a white person’s Thanksgiving: the macaroni and cheese. Unlike Colleen Ballinger, I......
[SATIRE] Who will be the next U.S. Senator?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Ding dong, Dianne Feinstein is dead! Dianne Feinstein, the 90-year-old former senator, passed away on Sept. 23, 2023 and people fought for her spot on the Senate. Even though Laphonza Butler acquired the spot, she does not intend to permanently fill it. Thus, an opportunity arises. ......
[SATIRE] Quiz: Which nostalgic computer game are you?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor I’m gonna be honest with y’all, I’ve been really sad recently. Sh*t just happens and you feel like you’re not slaying the haus down boots queen wig like you really want to. When that happens, I play Wizard 101. What game should you play? Take this......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What skeleton are you?
JACE JACOBSAssistant Editor of The Scallion, Amateur Skeleton Wrangler Happy spooky season Fredheads (I know spooky season is an outdated phrase but I’m allowed to use it, I keep my Halloween decorations up year-round so you can’t judge me)! I have discovered a recent passion of mine, and that is......
[SATIRE]: Lauren Boebert … Maybe don’t do that.
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor and Theater Nerd Hey Girly Pop! I’m so happy you decided to either randomly pick up this student-run newspaper from a state you’re not even in or search “Lauren Boebert Leader” on Google only to find this! I wanted to reach out and ask about your......
[SATIRE] What 2024 presidential candidate will win in the race? (the 100m dash)
HUNTER HALTERMAN Track Star* Contrary to popular belief, presidential candidates should not be judged on how well they can run our country. Instead, they should be judged on how well they can run a 100-meter dash. It is 100 meters of not just sprinting, but also courage, determination and willpower.......