scallion

Horoscopes: What should your sign dress up as for Halloween?

Abbie MillerOctober 28, 2024October 28, 2024

October 28, 2024October 28, 2024

ABIGAIL MILLER Editor-in-Chief As the leaves change and my body begins to resist doing anything that resembles schoolwork, I know one thing: it is time. Dust off those black glittery stilettos that you only wear once a year. Dig out the costume you’ve been reusing since freshman year from the......

Scallion

Horoscopes: What Papa’s game are you?

Abbie MillerOctober 11, 2024October 11, 2024

October 11, 2024October 11, 2024

ABBIE MILLER Editor-in-Chief, absolute zombie Yes, I am back to give you your horoscopes. No, I haven’t slept since I wrote the last ones. I don’t know if it’s just me, but between my three papers and an exam that are all due at the end of this week, I......

Scallion

Local talk show host runs in 2024 election

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 11, 2024October 11, 2024

October 11, 2024October 11, 2024

ETHAN GOODNESS Special to The Leader BROCK PAPKE Special to The Leader United States, 2024. A nation trapped in a period of perpetual darkness, with no light in sight. Every day is a civil war. People on both sides of the aisle wage endless battles with each other. Division holds......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which Starbucks fall menu item are you?

Drew PaluchSeptember 26, 2024October 11, 2024

September 26, 2024October 11, 2024

ABIGAIL MILLER Editor-in-Chief, Two-Star Comedian Yes, I added another star because The Leader staff told me I was being too hard on myself. Also, I made Scallion Editor Megan Kidby laugh so I’m still riding that wave. In other exciting news, Starbucks has officially released their fall menu. And who......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Meg’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 23, 2024September 23, 2024

September 23, 2024September 23, 2024

MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor What if I told you that I knew how to get through the horrors of college life? I know you don’t believe me. You’re probably saying “Megan…this is your fifth year of college, and you can’t even pass Music Theory III. How are you going to......

Scallion

NEW SCALLION ASSISTANT WANTED

Contributor to The LeaderSeptember 8, 2024September 8, 2024

September 8, 2024September 8, 2024

MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor In a groundbreaking upset, Jace Jacobs, the Assistant Scallion Editor for The Leader, has graduated. After this tragic loss of our previous assistant, the editorial board of The Leader has announced the search for a new writing assistant for its highly esteemed (read: barely tolerated) satire......

Scallion

[SATIRE] What Will Your Semester Look Like?

Contributor to The LeaderAugust 31, 2024August 30, 2024

August 31, 2024August 30, 2024

ABBIE MILLER Editor in Chief, 1-Star Comedian With a new school year comes a new horoscopes writer, I am sad to say. It is my only hope that my horoscopes will do justice to the previous Assistant Scallion Editor and former horoscopes column writer, Jace Jacobs. This change is the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What the last month of the semester has in store for the signs

Contributor to The LeaderApril 26, 2024April 23, 2024

April 26, 2024April 23, 2024

JACE JACOBS Assistant Editor of The Scallion, Thrilled To Be Here Happy final stretch my loves! I don’t know about you all but I’m starting to hit a wall, so I’m looking to the stars to give us all some guidance on how to get through the end of the......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Statement Regarding King Charles’s Cancer Diagnosis

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 9, 2024March 4, 2024

March 9, 2024March 4, 2024

THE SCALLION TEAM Princess Diana Enthusiasts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯...

Scallion

My qualms with pocketless clothing

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 21, 2023October 17, 2023

October 21, 2023October 17, 2023

ISABELLA INZINNA Staff Writer There’s an age-old issue that anyone who wears women’s clothes struggles with. Something that, for whatever reason, we can’t seem to fix. An issue that many people are very familiar with: Pockets. Everyone loves pockets, they’re very handy. With a good pocket, you can eliminate the......

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Horoscopes: What should your sign dress up as for Halloween?

Horoscopes: What Papa’s game are you?

Local talk show host runs in 2024 election

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which Starbucks fall menu item are you?

[SATIRE] Meg’s Declassified School Survival Guide

NEW SCALLION ASSISTANT WANTED

[SATIRE] What Will Your Semester Look Like?

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What the last month of the semester has in store for the signs

[SATIRE] Statement Regarding King Charles’s Cancer Diagnosis

My qualms with pocketless clothing