ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Scallywag
The Lampoon has been overthrown by a small army of eyepatch wearing Scallywags.
Too long has the Lampoon been allowed to operate as an unchallenged entity in The Leader; so the Scallywags on campus have banded together to overtake this decrepit section of the paper and breathe some pungent shallot-esque life back into it.
It was the Scallywags versus the Lampoonists in an all-out battle. Only one side could claim victory. The Lampoonists were protecting their long strongheld name, while the Scallywags fought for a change — a departure from the norm and an embrace of the new.
“We’ve had our eye on the Lampoon for a while now,” said one of the Scallywags, hoisting a banner over the 4×5 cubicle. “The days of the Lampoon have long past. It’s time for new satirical leadership in the form of long-tailed miniature onions.”
The Scallywags knew that if they could win it would be all their own, freeing the Lampoon to crumble, freeing space for The Scallion to be reborn from its ashes.
The Lampoonists were unprepared, but they did not make it an easy battle. The Lampoonists gave it all that they could, throwing staplers and pencils, using whiteboards as shields and complaining about deadlines in a weak attempt to deter the Scallywags.
“They were everywhere. They broke through our newspaper barricade with an office chair, then everything just went downhill from there,” said Lampoon veteran Phyllis T. Cupp. “They started boarding the cubicle and ripping down all the old Lampoon stories. They can’t just erase history like that!”
As far as how this change will affect the reader’s experience, it should not change much at all, but know that to be a Scallion Scallywag is one of the most honorable titles one can achieve in the ranks.
“The Scallion shall reign supreme over the Lampoon. Soon, everyone will forget the Lampoon’s existence. Most people didn’t know what it meant anyways, so we’re already one step ahead,” said a spokesperson for the Scallywags, armor clad and covered in the Sharpie ink of battle.
When you are reading from The Scallion, you are not just reading something just any old person wrote — you are reading the work of someone who has put in the time and effort in battle to bring their story to you.