OLIVIA BUECHELER
Special to the Leader
“Croissants au beurre” by Herry Wibisono is free to use under the public domain
Three weeks have passed since the Butterlow Oven fire.
The tragic event left Fredonia locals and Dunkirk denizens without a place to go for premium pastries and perfectly cooked sandwiches, and the community is still reeling.
I asked commuters walking by the scene of the event how they were affected.
Jessica, aged 25, is crestfallen. “I feel like I barely got a chance to enjoy the place before they shut down!”
Rodger, aged 30, said, “I hope everyone’s safe. I really want them to reopen, but, I mean, who’d want to work after that?”
I then spoke to a man who identified himself as “Hasoline L’Arson,” who was eager to speak with me.
When asked about the fire, he had this to say: “Oh, zut alors! Zis is abzolutely terribe-luh, I cannot express how sad zis makes me! Well, I zuppose if nothing gan be done, then I’ll have to return to Upper Crust for my croissants. It’s just as good, maybe even better!”
L’Arson approached me wearing Groucho Marx glasses and mustache disguise and only held a French accent for the first half of his statement, excluding the word “croissant,” which he pronounced the hell out of.
When pressed on this matter, he clarified, “I’m practicing my American accent.”
He proceeded to do the rest of the interview with a perfect American accent.
It was plainly obvious to me that he was, in fact, initially faking the accent.
We decided to conduct a full interview with L’Arson. We traveled down the street to Upper Crust, noting that Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” was playing on the sound system.
As we walked in, one of the baristas noticed us and L’Arson.
She asked, “Alex, what are you doing here, you don’t work unti-”
This sentence was interrupted by L’Arson, who assured the barista that she had mistaken him for someone else, and he was in fact not an employee of Upper Crust.
In doing this, he turned to me and gestured at his shirt.
The reader should note that L’Arson was wearing a white “Upper Crust” shirt, with the block letters crossed out in Sharpie and “Go Bills” written below it.
My first question was about where he was when the fire started. “Ah, you see, I was actually just in this very chair! I was enjoying a coffee that I always believed was better than that of Butterlow’s, and I was here from about 4:30 to 5:15, and I did not leave. There’sa photo of me standing next to the clock and a calendar when I was there, and all of the baristas know I was here, and here it is, this is the photo.” L’Arson showed me a photo of him giving a thumbs-up, though his hand had two thumbs and the words “Upper Crust” were warped into “Upppre Cust.”
“As you can see, I have the perfect apple pie!”
This was especially odd, as L’Arson only had a cup of coffee in the photo, and an inspection of the Upper Crust menu showed that apple pie was not being served.
It became abundantly clear that L’Arson had meant to say “alibi,” rather than “apple pie.”
My next question was about what he believed had caused the fire.
Upon hearing the question, L’Arson went completely pale.
He began to stutter and sweat, and when he removed his glasses to wipe his brow, his nose and mustache went with them.
He seemed to have forgotten that this was a comical disguise and quickly put the glasses back on when he remembered.
L’Arson began to blush and cry a little bit. I allowed this to go on until to the moment where I believed he was straight-up about to vomit, at which point I gently reminded him that the leading cause as described by the fire department was “oven fire.”
Upon hearing this, he sighed in deep relief and nodded. “Yes, ze oven fi — ahem— yeah the oven fire.”
I decided to end the interview for the day to allow L’Arson to gather his bearings.
Butterlow reopened on Thursday, April 23, greeted by a very happy and hungry customer base.
When I returned to Upper Crust that day, I could not find “L’Arson.”
I spoke with a barista named “Alex” who looked as though they had just gotten done crying.
“I don’t know, man, I just *sniff* I just think that we’re better, and that *sniff* that Butterlow is pretty *sniff* overrated.”
When asked about L’Arson, Alex grew irate.
“No, you aren’t gonna catch him!! You’ll never catch him *sniff* and he’s my best friend and you *sniff* should just let him go, I think, I think you should, you…” Alex trailed off here.
When I ordered the apple pie, Alex burst into tears and ran into the back room.
This is another case closed.
Our hearts go out to the workers of Butterlow, and we recommend maybe hiring a security guard.