BRANDON SAFE
Copy Editor
Monday, Oct. 9, 2017
6:42 p.m. University Police were informed by members in every cafe that a student had, at different points, excreted solid waste on the floor without being seen. UP detective realized the student had been eating at Cranston, so they followed Phantom Shitter and caught him mid-squat directly next to the recycling display outside of Reed Library.
Fredonia Administration and UP are at a standstill, not knowing whether to punish the student or the dining hall where he consumed his food.
7:50 p.m. A student on campus was waving a wand, shouting “aguamenti,” which is a spell from Harry Potter used to create water streams. UP discovered the student felt bad that NY didn’t have to face hurricanes and was trying to create his own. They tried convincing him Hogwarts wasn’t real, but he wouldn’t hear it. President Ginny Horvath defended the student, claiming she was named after Ginny Weasley (despite the age difference), and UP finally backed down.
Tuesday, Oct. 10, 2017
7:53 p.m. A commuter reported loud, terrible music on repeat coming from Nixon Hall. After the call was ignored, the commuter called back again, explaining, “the student is playing T. Swift’s song ‘Look What You Made Me Do.’”
An officer was sent out immediately and the student was not only expelled, but she was also issued a ticket for both the volume of the music as well as assault.
Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2017
8:42 a.m. After constructions workers used water guns to chase out skateboarders, UP received a call that a student had written “BERNIE 2016” on all sites in wet cement. After interviewing the student in question, senior politics and international affairs major Mike Millennial, UP decided not to pursue punishment.
“Seeking closure, I got a tattoo of a Bernie headshot on my ass, but I’m still butt-hurt. I thought this would give me closure, but it didn’t,” said Millennial.
Thursday, Oct. 12, 2017
7:10 p.m. Frightened first-year students reported that a homeless man had been living outside of Grissom Hall. The man had been begging everybody for spare change, and UP got to the bottom of it.
Frank Gallagher, 52, was a former Liberal Arts major at Fredonia, and 30 years later, he’s still without a job. He thought the traffic “come to Grissom,” attracted would result in a lot of spare change collected.
Instead of being punished, Gallagher was hired to be a greeter for first-year-student dormitories.
Friday, Oct. 13, 2017
1:33 p.m. After many reports that a group of students in Reed Library were acting strange and presumed to be on narcotics, the police officer with the least seniority was sent after losing a game of “nosies.” After entering the library, the officer knew what was wrong immediately.
She noticed the students were wearing lanyards around their necks and explained to library resource workers that these freshmen had just forgotten they weren’t in high school anymore.
Annoyed, the officer left the library without resolving the situation.
Saturday, Oct. 14, 2017
4:30 p.m. Two campus maintenance workers were arrested after a brawl broke out between the two men. They were reportedly arguing about which car manufacturer is better: Ford or Chevy. Both workers had the vehicle manufacturers tattooed on their dominant forearms, and both were spelled incorrectly.
“His opinions is wrong,” said Thomas Trump.
“Ferd is better because it’s made in ‘Murica,” said Bob Bigot, failing to realize both are American-made manufacturers.
Both were taken away in a Dodge Charger police interceptor.
Sunday, Oct. 15, 2017
9:37 a.m. UP decided to investigate googly eyes all over campus after one of the UP lieutenants was utilizing the restroom. “I couldn’t urinate with the eyes placed on the urinal. I felt self-conscious of my size.”
After tracing hashtags on Instagram, UP found out it was a veteran professor who was trying to escape the monotony of old age. After being fired, the professor’s wife filed for divorce, and the professor spends his days calling liberals “snowflakes” on WGRZ Facebook posts and is now a Trump supporter.