THALIA MAGISTRO
Staff Scallywag
Many of you may have read that the effects of the Oregon wildfires have reached the East Coast and I am here to assuage your fears. This is, in fact, false information.
The true cause of the red haze you have found over campus in the evening is a separate wildfire which, according to local fireman Butch Butcher, started “somewhere ‘round the creek probably I don’t know.”
A local fire ignited in the woods across the street from campus. Temple Street, usually the center for on-campus residents to cross into the world of being able to be in the same room as one another, was lit by the lights of fire trucks and flames rising out from behind the row of houses.
When asked about the source of the fire, Butcher said “I don’t know, probably one of them doobies those hippy college kids are always sucking on out there in the woods, but I can’t be sure.”
This conversation was interrupted by Janice Fabian, an art major fleeing from the flames.
“Look, I’m telling you it was a gender reveal party that started the fires. Didn’t you read the posts?” said Fabian. “Something like it’s a boy? I can’t remember..”
No evidence of a gender reveal party was discovered among the ashes of the creek; however, evidence of broken bottles and marijuana were abundant.
Harsh on-campus regulations have caused an increase in students going to the creek in order to destress and spend time with one another.
It can only be assumed that the fire was caused by a gender reveal party.