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[SATIRE] Seasonal depression forces Fredonia students back to their comfort media once again

MATTHEW BAUM

Assistant Scallion Editor

Well, it’s that time of year again. 

The leaves are coming down, the temperature is dropping and the morale of students attending SUNY Fredonia is also taking a nosedive. With the change of seasons into the colder months, there is a perturbing, but not wholly surprising, dip in the feeling on campus. Long faces and unmotivated shuffling has replaced the bright smiles and enthusiastic skittering that were readily available only a few weeks ago. 

Due to this seasonal dip into the well of entropy, it has been found that students are spending more and more of their time on various streaming networks, video game consoles and social media apps; however, there has been no noticeable uptick in students diving into new media. 

A recent study found that students are spending their free time re-watching, re-playing and re-immersing into old media, or media they already feel comfortable with. These pieces of ‘comfort media’ are often well-known cultural staples, and the way they are embraced in times like these is truly a sight to see. 

Siobhan Llewynn, a junior history major with a focus in early Scottish civilization, had some very choice words to say about her return to her comfort media. 

“I don’t give a flyin’ hoo-hah about anything new as of late! The wind’s been pickin’ up, and me willingness to give attention to something I might not even like is jack squat. Exploration’s fer warmer weather, and the time fer cuddling up and watching John Mulaney comedy specials is nigh.”

It is important to note, too, that seasonal depression is hitting students a little harder than usual these days. Who could have guessed? The increased stresses of living in a very isolated fashion has led some students to reach even further into the knapsack of nostalgia and dive head-first into childhood favorites. 

Reed Library has reported that they have rented out every edition of the beloved children’s books “Horton Hears a Who,” “Charlotte’s Web” and “Where the Wild Things Are.” Along with these notable sign-outs, whenever a copy of “The Giving Tree” is returned, there are always tear stains on the pages of the books. 

It is clear that an epidemic of dour attitudes and downtrodden spirits is sweeping across campus. In order to avoid fully losing hope and making an irrational decision about dropping out of classes, here are some tips to have a mildly-ok time as winter approaches:

  1. Log into your Netflix account and watch “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” six times, on repeat.
  2. Go to YouTube.com, find a playlist of mediocre pop songs that came out from 2008-2011 and play it at full volume.
  3. Go to Reed Library, rent a copy of “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” and weep.
  4. Buy a set of Lego pieces from Walmart and build the set in your car while you are still in the parking lot. 
  5. Most importantly, reach out to your friends, family and loved ones for support. 

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