EMMA PATTERSON
Editor of The Scallion
The 2017-2018 flu season has proven itself to be the most dangerous in almost a decade, according to panicked news anchors and moms everywhere. Any responsible college student knows that when the flu strikes, the one thing that makes it better is the stress of a new semester. With this in mind, students have tried desperately to avoid getting the notorious illness.
“The key to staying safe is to wash your hands,” one student said, lathering up her hands in a combination of bacon grease and trash juice. “With hands this clean, all I’ll have to worry about this semester is all those group projects worth 50 percent of my final grade.”
It may seem pointless, trying to avoid the flu while living in a dorm with 100 other unwashed people, but these students are determined to avoid anything that could interrupt the semester.
“My roommate is sick, so I did what any good friend would do: I deprived him of medication and fluids until he passed out,” one student said as he brushed his teeth with his roommate’s toothbrush. “You do what you gotta do for the people you care about, you know?”
He walked over to what appeared to be a decaying animal on the couch and grabbed a raisin out of its cold, shriveled hand. “Come on, Greg, what did I say about consuming nutrients?”
For these students, the promise of a rewarding, challenging semester is so exciting it keeps them up at night. “I haven’t slept in two days,” one overly-excited student said from under a table in Reed library. “I haven’t showered, I ate at Cranston yesterday, I licked the sidewalk . . .” He shook his head, his bloodshot eyes brimming with either pride or desperation. “I must have the world’s strongest immune system.”
Of course, avoiding the flu doesn’t come without its challenges. An incident occurred this past week in Thompson Hall when a student sneezed into her arm in the middle of class, inciting rage from the students around her. “Come on, Melissa,” students were heard yelling. “Stop being so selfish. Quit saving all the germs for yourself!”
Unfortunately for some students, even the most dedicated attempts at avoiding the illness were unsuccessful.
“The semester started a week ago, and I haven’t been to a single class,” one student said, surrounded by bags of chips, take-out containers and seasons one through five of “Game of Thrones.”
“This flu has really slowed me down,” he added solemnly. When questioned as to his prognosis, he wasn’t optimistic. “Who knows when I’ll be better? I might not even make it to spring break!”